Sunday, December 9, 2012
Chicken scratch
My penmanship has always looked horrible. There are so many girls that write beautiful, but they all look the same. It's pretty and neat and all, but it doesn't seem very unique to me. Do girls all use the same stencil to learn how to write? Maybe it's a social convention for girls to write the same. I don't know, my penmanship is so different and looks like chicken scratch. It's always been like that though, so I guess I don't really mind.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Fed up.
All your excuses just piss me off. How do you forget that you have a date with me. Fucking, left me hanging for the hundredth time. I hope you realize that I get sick of waiting and sick of hearing your half-assed apologies that don't mean shit. "I'm sorry, but I'll keep doing it so I'll piss you the fuck off." That is exactly what your apologies mean now. How can someone be understanding when it's a regular occurrence? I'm fed up. I'm tired. I'm on the verge of leaving. Why should I have to deal with this bull crap.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Is this how it feels like to be forgotten?
I'm so tired or being ignored. Never remembered. Never cared for. Is this how it feels like to be forgotten? How my boyfriend forgets about my existence and doubts my feelings for him. Then again, maybe I don't love him anymore. Maybe I'm just in love with the memories I had with him. The times when we would be together and simply be happy. We didn't have to force conversation because things like that were natural. Now that's gone. nothing's the same. You've changed. You changed from the caring, loving person that would be my support system, but not you don't even care. You blame it on me because you say that I'm hard to approach and that I avoid you. You gave up before you even tried. You're the one that never makes conversation anyways. What else do I have to do? I hate carrying conversations and pretending that I like talking about myself, when in truth, I hate every aspect of myself. I can't believe that I used to think that you were my support system. What a joke. You're never available when I need you. Actually, you're never available at all. You never want to hang out with me whenever I suggest something and you always make up some excuse to not go. "I'm tired, I don't know if I'll want to feel like it." What kind of an excuse is that? You know that I hate making you do things that you don't want to do, but saying it like that makes it feel like I'm just a burden to you.
When the cons outweigh the pros, maybe it's time to break up.
When the cons outweigh the pros, maybe it's time to break up.
Monday, November 5, 2012
When no one can help.
What can one do when someone else feels down. When no one can help, how do you fare?
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Sophomores are so fucking stupid.
I don't understand why people are so stupid. Sophomores are so fucking stupid. Everyone is so fucking stupid. I'm so tired of people and trying to work things out. Why can't people be more self reliant ? Why are people so dependent on someone else? High school means that it's time for you to grow the fuck up and out of middle school and act a bit more mature. It's time for people to grow the fuck up and understand that life's a bitch. More the fuck on so stop making a fucking big ass deal over nothing. The world does not fucking revolve around you so get out of the fucking way an stop making a scene.
I hate life. Kill me now. Buy me pills and let me swallow them by the bottle.
I have no idea how many times this thought runs through my head every day. I don't cut or burn or hurt myself in anyway (intentionally). But sometimes I just want to get away from it all. To leave and never come back. Death by overdose seems so cowardly though. You don't face the disappointment on people's faces when they lean over your coffin. You don't give an explanation or reason. Take it with you to the grave. Make people's lives more interesting as they try to figure it out. Many elaborate and philosophical accounts can be made but none truer that the fact that you hate everyone and everything therefore you just want to leave it all behind.
I hate life. Kill me now. Buy me pills and let me swallow them by the bottle.
I have no idea how many times this thought runs through my head every day. I don't cut or burn or hurt myself in anyway (intentionally). But sometimes I just want to get away from it all. To leave and never come back. Death by overdose seems so cowardly though. You don't face the disappointment on people's faces when they lean over your coffin. You don't give an explanation or reason. Take it with you to the grave. Make people's lives more interesting as they try to figure it out. Many elaborate and philosophical accounts can be made but none truer that the fact that you hate everyone and everything therefore you just want to leave it all behind.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Revolution
One note at a time.
History is fiction.
Stand on a stage and hold the hearts of men in your hands. Make them laugh with a gesture, cry with a word. Make them love you. And you will know what true power is.
And yet it is hard even now for me to hate him, for i believe he meant no hard. You would not beat your dog because he is not a cat. He was born a dog and cannot change it. The king was born a king and could not change that either.
Because God loves us, but the devil takes an interest.
You are hungry... And yet, the hunger in your gut is nothing compared to that in your soul.
Because when I am them, I am not me.
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. ... I was not to die that night. That would have been a mercy. I was to be reborn.
It was my soul I thought to barter, yes, and gladly I'd have given it, for it is a small thing and of no value to me. But it was not my soul that was taken, no. It was my heart.
The fables had failed you. Once upon a time never was. There's no kindly hunstman. No fairy godmother. There's only the wolf. Grown so bold now, he strolls the streets of Paris picking his teeth with and infant's rib. Nothing changes, sparrow. Can't you see that? The world goes on, as stupid and brutal tomorrow as it was today.
The world goes on stupid and brutal, but I do not. Can't you see? I do not.
History is fiction.
Stand on a stage and hold the hearts of men in your hands. Make them laugh with a gesture, cry with a word. Make them love you. And you will know what true power is.
And yet it is hard even now for me to hate him, for i believe he meant no hard. You would not beat your dog because he is not a cat. He was born a dog and cannot change it. The king was born a king and could not change that either.
Because God loves us, but the devil takes an interest.
You are hungry... And yet, the hunger in your gut is nothing compared to that in your soul.
Because when I am them, I am not me.
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. ... I was not to die that night. That would have been a mercy. I was to be reborn.
It was my soul I thought to barter, yes, and gladly I'd have given it, for it is a small thing and of no value to me. But it was not my soul that was taken, no. It was my heart.
The fables had failed you. Once upon a time never was. There's no kindly hunstman. No fairy godmother. There's only the wolf. Grown so bold now, he strolls the streets of Paris picking his teeth with and infant's rib. Nothing changes, sparrow. Can't you see that? The world goes on, as stupid and brutal tomorrow as it was today.
The world goes on stupid and brutal, but I do not. Can't you see? I do not.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Smiling.
Give me a reason to smile. Why should I even? I want to die everyday or sleep forever. Why should I even.
I don't understand how much I hate everyone and everything. I hate band. I hate tennis. I hate people. I hate school. I hate life. I hate everything so much, I just want to stay home and cry forever. I don't see the point of even living.
You're born, you live through bullshit, then you die buried and surrounded by bullshit. Where's the meaning? There was never a meaning in the first place. There is no reason for your existence. You were never meant to accomplish something. You just happened to exist. It's the randomness in the universe that make up who you are. The chance that electricity, carbon, water, and other substances happened to react with each other and create a prokaryotic cell. It is through series of mutations that the prokaryote became a eukaryote. In order survive, eukaryotes were forced to produce definite structures and became more elaborate organisms. Where is it noted that God or reason created you. There is no "plan" or "reason" to live. You are one of many and you will never be remembered. Emotions are a lie. Like a book that you read to pass time. You need something to do while you waste away and end up being forgotten and unimportant. Nothing matters. Your friends that you call best friends since kindergarten don't matter. Your boyfriend of two years doesn't matter. Your small minuscule accomplishments don't matter. Your alma mater doesn't matter. Your lack of potential or your overwhelming persistence doesn't matter. Your memories from your very first memory at age 4 to your very last memory on your death bed at age 86 don't matter. In essence, you don't matter.
Why live? Why should you continue to live in this world where you don't matter and just waste resources? Why should you continue to lie to yourself that you can make a difference in the world and impact other people's lives when, in all honesty, you won't.
I don't understand how much I hate everyone and everything. I hate band. I hate tennis. I hate people. I hate school. I hate life. I hate everything so much, I just want to stay home and cry forever. I don't see the point of even living.
You're born, you live through bullshit, then you die buried and surrounded by bullshit. Where's the meaning? There was never a meaning in the first place. There is no reason for your existence. You were never meant to accomplish something. You just happened to exist. It's the randomness in the universe that make up who you are. The chance that electricity, carbon, water, and other substances happened to react with each other and create a prokaryotic cell. It is through series of mutations that the prokaryote became a eukaryote. In order survive, eukaryotes were forced to produce definite structures and became more elaborate organisms. Where is it noted that God or reason created you. There is no "plan" or "reason" to live. You are one of many and you will never be remembered. Emotions are a lie. Like a book that you read to pass time. You need something to do while you waste away and end up being forgotten and unimportant. Nothing matters. Your friends that you call best friends since kindergarten don't matter. Your boyfriend of two years doesn't matter. Your small minuscule accomplishments don't matter. Your alma mater doesn't matter. Your lack of potential or your overwhelming persistence doesn't matter. Your memories from your very first memory at age 4 to your very last memory on your death bed at age 86 don't matter. In essence, you don't matter.
Why live? Why should you continue to live in this world where you don't matter and just waste resources? Why should you continue to lie to yourself that you can make a difference in the world and impact other people's lives when, in all honesty, you won't.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Why don't you go fuck yourself in the face.
I've always hated your lack of responsibility. Your lack of common sense. Your lack of courtesy. Your lack of manners. Your lack of feelings. Your lack of feelings .Your lack of compassion. Your lack of loyalty. I don't understand how someone could lack one of these qualities much less all of them.
I don't think you realize how naive you are. You're almost a joke.
I wish that I was like Alice from resident Evil. I could have a gun and knives and explosives and fuck shit up. I could go up to the people I don't like and say, " Why don't you go fuck yourself in the face."
There's too much hate and frustration and anger in me.
I don't think you realize how naive you are. You're almost a joke.
I wish that I was like Alice from resident Evil. I could have a gun and knives and explosives and fuck shit up. I could go up to the people I don't like and say, " Why don't you go fuck yourself in the face."
There's too much hate and frustration and anger in me.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Fuck bitches up.
I hate school so much. I hate everyone so much. I hate everything so much. I hate eating. I hate living. I hate having to meet expectations. I hate people. There's too many people on earth. I'm so tired of people. Tired of living. Fuck bitches up. Shit. There's so much to do, but no motivation to do it.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
There is no point in living.
Fuck all the people that think I'm worth something. I'm not. I'm worthless and a waste of human life and resources. People like me deserve to die as soon as possible. There is no point in living. SO many people strive to be the best, but they still end up the same as other people that don't try at all. We all end up dead. So why fight fate? Why don't we all just die collectively. That way, everyone's gone and no one would feel sad for one another. Honestly, I don't know if there's a heaven or if people get reincarnated, but does it matter? It's just a cycle of dying over and over again. It's the circle of death, not the circle of life. People that say that God does not condone suicide, God also leads you to your way of life. If he leads you to committing suicide, wouldn't he be contradicting his actions?
Overall, I'm tired. I want to die. Everyday that I wake up, my first thought is, " Why." Why am I still alive.
Overall, I'm tired. I want to die. Everyday that I wake up, my first thought is, " Why." Why am I still alive.
Friday, September 7, 2012
So I'm tired.
What's your fucking problem? You KNOW that I'm tired and just fatigued to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. Why must you insist that I'm MAD. As if I had the time and effort to be mad. That's just so stupid. I'm tired. I have tennis to worry about. I have to do homework and study for classes that I'm going to fail which are supposed to prep me for the AP test which I am also going to fail. I have to deal with stupid band members that don't give a single fuck and have to see the everyday. I have to trudge through my REGULAR lang class. You really don't know how it feels to be in regulars. You. Really. Don't. You would never understand. I'm tired. Am I not allowed to be tired now? Do I HAVE to be energetic and enthusiastic and happy? People aren't like that. Everyone gets pissed off, or depressed, or just plain tired. You INSIST that you did something wrong and that I won't tell you what you did wrong whenever I'm listless and tired. You insist that I'm pissed off when I just really don't want to do anything. I don't want to deal with anything. Then I have to deal with YOU when you say that. Finally, you end by saying that I don't care. When have I NOT cared. If anything, I think YOU'RE the one that doesn't care. Where were you when I was ACTUALLY mad and pissed off? Now you're here when I'm NOT mad, rather just plain frustrated and tired from everything. I've told you so many goddamn times; I'm almost getting tired of saying it.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
8 days of school
There was a freaky rainstorm earlier today. I heard that it was from hurricane Issac. Scary stuff. The weather was really humid too! Sucked balls.
We were supposed to be playing a game against Pasadena, but it was cancelled due to heavy rain. The rain just got harder and harder.. So Nana and I went to band practice. It's been such a long time since it rained in the SGV, so hearing thunder again scared the shit out of me. I'm not necessarily SCARED of thunder; I just dislike it with a passion.
We were supposed to be playing a game against Pasadena, but it was cancelled due to heavy rain. The rain just got harder and harder.. So Nana and I went to band practice. It's been such a long time since it rained in the SGV, so hearing thunder again scared the shit out of me. I'm not necessarily SCARED of thunder; I just dislike it with a passion.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Fuck everything.
Fuck school. Fuck apush. Fuck physics. Fuck chem. Fuck tennis. Fuck lan--. Fuck REGULAR lang. Fuck counselors. Fuck band. Fuck people. Fuck everyone. Fuck idiots. Fuck people that don't care. Fuck me. Fuck the world.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Tired.
Helping out with registration then moving over to band camp. Haha, I haven't done anything in so long; it's a bit relieving to have something to do.
Monday, August 6, 2012
My Bucket list
Be happy
Exploratorium
LACMA
Exploratorium
LACMA
California Academy of Sciences
Punch someone in the face
Get contacts
Disneyland
Fireworks at Disneyland on the fourth of July
6 Feb 2015
Washington DC
Philly Tattoo Convention
Philadelphia Art Museum
Wicked
Above 3.15 GPA......
1/2/2016
NYC with Justin H.
Finish Secret Santa books
Start dating again. Maybe.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Maybe we should
break up already. You don't want to talk to me and I'm not going to wait for you forever. I'm constantly waiting. I'm so tired of waiting. If by the next time I see you and you haven't contacted me before that, I'm going to consider it done. We can just break up. Just like that. I have already told you that I hate waiting. Everyone has limits. Mine is just about to shatter.
I'm emotionally drained.
I'm emotionally drained.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Summer so far.
I don't think I've done much.
I have a boyfriend that is inexplicably lazy. I wouldn't even be able to begin where to start. I'm getting fed up. Boys ARE immature and apparently they don't reach maturity until 20 years old. Maybe I should have waited until college to get a boyfriend or gotten a boyfriend that can think and actually does something. This has bothered me before. He never takes anything seriously and makes a joke out of everything. Sometimes, I really do want to talk serious and be serious. Joking all the time doesn't suit me and I don't want to deal with it sometimes. Maybe it's just me because I'm a damn joy-kill, but I don't want to deal with someone that doesn't take somethings serious. I know that one should learn to overcome someone else's flaws or unfavorable attributes, but this really really bothers me. He doesn't think about long term and just about anything. The both of us are really different... But opposites attract. Maybe we're too different...
Some days I just want to look at you and say,"What the FUCK is wrong with you". Everything. Everything is wrong with me. I find the mistakes in every perfection. I see negativity in an aura of optimism. I thrive in the depths of self insecurity and listlessness.
I don't think my summer's going very well.
I have a boyfriend that is inexplicably lazy. I wouldn't even be able to begin where to start. I'm getting fed up. Boys ARE immature and apparently they don't reach maturity until 20 years old. Maybe I should have waited until college to get a boyfriend or gotten a boyfriend that can think and actually does something. This has bothered me before. He never takes anything seriously and makes a joke out of everything. Sometimes, I really do want to talk serious and be serious. Joking all the time doesn't suit me and I don't want to deal with it sometimes. Maybe it's just me because I'm a damn joy-kill, but I don't want to deal with someone that doesn't take somethings serious. I know that one should learn to overcome someone else's flaws or unfavorable attributes, but this really really bothers me. He doesn't think about long term and just about anything. The both of us are really different... But opposites attract. Maybe we're too different...
Some days I just want to look at you and say,"What the FUCK is wrong with you". Everything. Everything is wrong with me. I find the mistakes in every perfection. I see negativity in an aura of optimism. I thrive in the depths of self insecurity and listlessness.
I don't think my summer's going very well.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Since I already told someone..
Kryteeeenn
the varsity girls were going to throw a going away party for annie since she's going to wisconsin.
so i woke up at 8 today, got ready, and went to nancy liang's house to make the presents that we were going to give her
so we made a pillow, a blanket, and fixed up a basket for her. i paid for the basket stuff, so it was 15 dollars. wtf, so much. D: LOL.
so everything was made in a rush but it was still done pretty well, so we nancy and i were prety proud of ourselves. so we dropped by walmart, got some mcdonalds to eat and i got my fried chicken because it was kind of like a potluck
the varsity girls were going to throw a going away party for annie since she's going to wisconsin.
so i woke up at 8 today, got ready, and went to nancy liang's house to make the presents that we were going to give her
so we made a pillow, a blanket, and fixed up a basket for her. i paid for the basket stuff, so it was 15 dollars. wtf, so much. D: LOL.
so everything was made in a rush but it was still done pretty well, so we nancy and i were prety proud of ourselves. so we dropped by walmart, got some mcdonalds to eat and i got my fried chicken because it was kind of like a potluck
Kryteeeenn
so after we got all our stuff, she drove us over to mora ung's house and we decorated her house and all
streamers and like her house is already pretty so we didn't do much. so we waited.
nana, christine ton, nancy huynh, nancy h's friend, henry, leanna, tracy nguyen, and michelle hau were there too
so we're all waiting and waiting and waiting
we knew that not all the girls were going to be there but we hoped annie was going to go
but she fucking didn't
so when i called
i was like
so after we got all our stuff, she drove us over to mora ung's house and we decorated her house and all
streamers and like her house is already pretty so we didn't do much. so we waited.
nana, christine ton, nancy huynh, nancy h's friend, henry, leanna, tracy nguyen, and michelle hau were there too
so we're all waiting and waiting and waiting
we knew that not all the girls were going to be there but we hoped annie was going to go
but she fucking didn't
so when i called
i was like
Kryteeeenn
Where the hell are you?
"I'm at my friends house ! Why ? Practice doesn't start till 5 ! "
THERE'S NO PRACTICE TODAY. didn't susanna tell you ? We have a party at mora's house !
(the story was that we were throwing a welcome party for a freshman that made girl's varsity)
"What? Susanna didn't tell me. And I don't have a ride or anything. "
NO I'M PRETTY SURE SHE TOLD YOU. OMG, WTF. OK brb. ugh.
Where the hell are you?
"I'm at my friends house ! Why ? Practice doesn't start till 5 ! "
THERE'S NO PRACTICE TODAY. didn't susanna tell you ? We have a party at mora's house !
(the story was that we were throwing a welcome party for a freshman that made girl's varsity)
"What? Susanna didn't tell me. And I don't have a ride or anything. "
NO I'M PRETTY SURE SHE TOLD YOU. OMG, WTF. OK brb. ugh.
Kryteeeenn
and i think i accidently hung up but oh well. so all she knew was that there was apartyy and it's at someone's house, but no one told her anything, even though susanna DID.
So she texted back "OMG I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS TODAY" kind of thing and it'sl ike well wtf.. she texts again saying "OHHH I REMEMBER NOW, SUSANNA DID TELL MEE. OHHHH"
well wtf. =__= ''
so we decided to just eat the food aand have the party without her. and to give her the presents on monday.
so much goddamn food. LOL.
i ate sooo much, and i was soo full, i couldn't eat that much dessert LOL ughghgh. afterwards, we played pool and then watched movies in mora's room
then i left to go home with nancy
and i think i accidently hung up but oh well. so all she knew was that there was apartyy and it's at someone's house, but no one told her anything, even though susanna DID.
So she texted back "OMG I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS TODAY" kind of thing and it'sl ike well wtf.. she texts again saying "OHHH I REMEMBER NOW, SUSANNA DID TELL MEE. OHHHH"
well wtf. =__= ''
so we decided to just eat the food aand have the party without her. and to give her the presents on monday.
so much goddamn food. LOL.
i ate sooo much, and i was soo full, i couldn't eat that much dessert LOL ughghgh. afterwards, we played pool and then watched movies in mora's room
then i left to go home with nancy
Kryteeeenn
but the annie thing REALLY bothered me. ugh.
so i told mark the story of what happened. and he replied "I guess that's what you get when you throw a surprise party. "
THAT'S SO NFUIWALRSDF PISSED ME OFF.
So i texted him back telling him that that was realy bitchy. and i got mad
N;Kesfioaw. bothered me so much.
ok. i'm done.
whew.
~
but the annie thing REALLY bothered me. ugh.
so i told mark the story of what happened. and he replied "I guess that's what you get when you throw a surprise party. "
THAT'S SO NFUIWALRSDF PISSED ME OFF.
So i texted him back telling him that that was realy bitchy. and i got mad
N;Kesfioaw. bothered me so much.
ok. i'm done.
whew.
~
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I hate everything and everyone.
I hate texting in the middle of the night on your whim. I hate never talking to you. I hate never getting to see you. I hate how you're so impossible. I hate how you don't even seem to care anymore. I hate how you're never there for me. I just really really hate it.
I hate how I'm not smart. I hate how I suck at everything I do. I hate how I'm so ugly. I hate how nothing good ever happens to me. I hate how I'm so weak. I hate everything about me. I hate how I'm so useless. I hate how I'm never going to go anywhere in life. I hate how I'm so pessimistic. I hate how no one cares. I hate how I started to depend on people. I hate me.
Why can't I just die already. Everything is just so pointless. I'm tired of everything. Life is stupid, short, pointless, and boring. I hate everything and everyone. Just go the fuck away. I'm tired of talking, or trying, getting mad, and pissed. I'm tired of doing things on my accord and then being put down and rejected like I'm nothing. Well, it probably is because I AM nothing.
I hate how I'm not smart. I hate how I suck at everything I do. I hate how I'm so ugly. I hate how nothing good ever happens to me. I hate how I'm so weak. I hate everything about me. I hate how I'm so useless. I hate how I'm never going to go anywhere in life. I hate how I'm so pessimistic. I hate how no one cares. I hate how I started to depend on people. I hate me.
Why can't I just die already. Everything is just so pointless. I'm tired of everything. Life is stupid, short, pointless, and boring. I hate everything and everyone. Just go the fuck away. I'm tired of talking, or trying, getting mad, and pissed. I'm tired of doing things on my accord and then being put down and rejected like I'm nothing. Well, it probably is because I AM nothing.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Reverse Chronological Order.
6/16/12 At home, now.
Goddamit, why do you complain about everything. I play a GAME for the FIRST FUCKING TIME SINCE WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, and you bitch at me for playing games? Wow. WOW. Fuck you. I get good grades (relatively good). I do my work. I do extracurricular activities. I do more than what's expected of me. And you get mad at me for PLAYING GAMES? I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU GET MAD AT ME FOR NOT DOING THE FUCKING LAUNDRY, BUT PLAYING GAMES? JESUS CHRIST, YOU MUST BE BLIND. TELL ME, WHEN WAS THE LAST FUCKING TIME I PLAYED A GAME. IF YOU KNOW, GOOD, BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T. Doing chores, I get that. I do them, sometimes I don't. I would feel bad if I didn't do it, so I do it sooner or later (more sooner than later). Fucking shit, but getting mad because I play fucking games? UGH. I JUST WANT TO FLIP SHIT. FNRUPAAKGWNE
Earlier, Trumpet Social @ Pedro's house
It was kind of fun; A lot of people went (sort of). We messed around and ate a lot, but I liked it. I had to leave early because my mom wanted me to go home, so I missed out on watching movies with the section. Eh, oh wells.
6/13/12 At school; Last day of school; Graduation.
Today was the last day of school. The last time that I would see the seniors at San Gabriel. It was nice; I cried, but it's okay. They'll visit, hopefully. When we were going to leave, Mark introduced himself (kind of) to my family. It was more of a "hi" and then leave kind of thing, but it satisfied my grandma, aunt, and mom, so it's fine with me. Later, when we went out to eat for Kelly's celebration, my mom told me to see when Mark can come over to have lunch with us. I'm fine with it, but when I told Mark, he made everything so weird and awkward. Haha, I told my mom that it wouldn't work out so well. Oh wells.
6/12/12 Century High School, Graduation Ceremony
Since Century High School was having their graduation ceremony at our school's football field, Century High paid us, the band, to play for them. We did (not all of us came seeing how it was optional), though we were rather rude. I doubt anyone paid attention or cared, but it's okay.
6/11/12 Last day of Finals
Upon the end of this day, finals have ended. I got As on all my finals except WHAP (since I didn't have a final) and part 2 of my Spanish final (I got a high B). Overall, I got five As and one B which totals into a 4.17 gpa. I'm rather proud of myself, though I'm nearly absolutely sure that I COULD have gotten an A in world. OH WELLS. I'M OVER IT.
6/8/12 Spaghetti Factory; Bandquet
It was preeeeeettyy damn fun.
Our drum majors are Aydin Hau, Jackie Flores, and Ryan Duong. I'm pretty satisfied with the results and I'm happy that the selected people won. The new band president is Katie Mai and other awards were given out. Presentations of the seniors gifts arrived and when the trumpet section presented, I would say that we drew the most laughter. Natalie and I made pillows for the seniors. On one side was their respective names, and the other was a picture of a triangle for Aaron, a piano for Calvin, and a portable body of Runa for Teddy and of Debbie for Hien. The seniors gave us food and some shades, haha.
Altogether, it seems like June has been pretty eventful. It's the beginning of summer vacation and school starts on August 21st. I've got summer tennis practice and have sent a volunteer application to San Gabriel City Hall. Hopefully, they'll contact me soon. I also have AP US history homework that I need to start. I'll finish and study it eventually.
I need to stay occupied.
Goddamit, why do you complain about everything. I play a GAME for the FIRST FUCKING TIME SINCE WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, and you bitch at me for playing games? Wow. WOW. Fuck you. I get good grades (relatively good). I do my work. I do extracurricular activities. I do more than what's expected of me. And you get mad at me for PLAYING GAMES? I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU GET MAD AT ME FOR NOT DOING THE FUCKING LAUNDRY, BUT PLAYING GAMES? JESUS CHRIST, YOU MUST BE BLIND. TELL ME, WHEN WAS THE LAST FUCKING TIME I PLAYED A GAME. IF YOU KNOW, GOOD, BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T. Doing chores, I get that. I do them, sometimes I don't. I would feel bad if I didn't do it, so I do it sooner or later (more sooner than later). Fucking shit, but getting mad because I play fucking games? UGH. I JUST WANT TO FLIP SHIT. FNRUPAAKGWNE
Earlier, Trumpet Social @ Pedro's house
It was kind of fun; A lot of people went (sort of). We messed around and ate a lot, but I liked it. I had to leave early because my mom wanted me to go home, so I missed out on watching movies with the section. Eh, oh wells.
6/13/12 At school; Last day of school; Graduation.
Today was the last day of school. The last time that I would see the seniors at San Gabriel. It was nice; I cried, but it's okay. They'll visit, hopefully. When we were going to leave, Mark introduced himself (kind of) to my family. It was more of a "hi" and then leave kind of thing, but it satisfied my grandma, aunt, and mom, so it's fine with me. Later, when we went out to eat for Kelly's celebration, my mom told me to see when Mark can come over to have lunch with us. I'm fine with it, but when I told Mark, he made everything so weird and awkward. Haha, I told my mom that it wouldn't work out so well. Oh wells.
6/12/12 Century High School, Graduation Ceremony
Since Century High School was having their graduation ceremony at our school's football field, Century High paid us, the band, to play for them. We did (not all of us came seeing how it was optional), though we were rather rude. I doubt anyone paid attention or cared, but it's okay.
6/11/12 Last day of Finals
Upon the end of this day, finals have ended. I got As on all my finals except WHAP (since I didn't have a final) and part 2 of my Spanish final (I got a high B). Overall, I got five As and one B which totals into a 4.17 gpa. I'm rather proud of myself, though I'm nearly absolutely sure that I COULD have gotten an A in world. OH WELLS. I'M OVER IT.
6/8/12 Spaghetti Factory; Bandquet
It was preeeeeettyy damn fun.
Our drum majors are Aydin Hau, Jackie Flores, and Ryan Duong. I'm pretty satisfied with the results and I'm happy that the selected people won. The new band president is Katie Mai and other awards were given out. Presentations of the seniors gifts arrived and when the trumpet section presented, I would say that we drew the most laughter. Natalie and I made pillows for the seniors. On one side was their respective names, and the other was a picture of a triangle for Aaron, a piano for Calvin, and a portable body of Runa for Teddy and of Debbie for Hien. The seniors gave us food and some shades, haha.
Altogether, it seems like June has been pretty eventful. It's the beginning of summer vacation and school starts on August 21st. I've got summer tennis practice and have sent a volunteer application to San Gabriel City Hall. Hopefully, they'll contact me soon. I also have AP US history homework that I need to start. I'll finish and study it eventually.
I need to stay occupied.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Grades: Pissed off to no end.
Apparently, my group and I got caught for plagiarism. Which is so completely stupid. I wasn't in fucking charge of writing the captions and shit, but who would be so stupid as to not paraphrase. It's so fucking goddamn simple. Why the fuck would that even happen. The group isn't really one of those groups where some people do nothing and one person does everything else. Everyone contributed and we're all capable of doing extremely well. I don't see why. I really don't. Now, my 88 will probably drop to a 85 (Yes, I calculated it. That's how upset I was) even with the other little assignments that the teacher gave us.
I got over it, but then at the same time, my grade in Spanish is starting to slip and start to go down. My oh-so-close-to-an-A-but-is-still-an-89, went down to an 88. I really have to pass the finals with As on all the different finals. I don't want to get a B in SPANISH. That's ridiculous. Ridiculous. Spanish has always been easy for me. I never really had to try, but now the information's getting to be a bit too much. I'm going to HAVE to study for it now. I don't care what other people think. I do my own thing.
Shout out to Kenny. I don't give a fucking damn about whether you studied or not . I don't give a fucking damn if you passed with a solid A and you didn't even try to do well. Mother fucker. I don't care anymore. I'm doing my own thing and you can fuck off.
While my Spanish grade is dropping ever so slowly, my Chemistry grade is gradually increasing.
As for English, I need to just get a decent grade in the class and I'll be fine for this semester.
On a different note, I hate right now. This feeling of misery and low self-esteem. Feeling needy and helpless has never been a recurring trait for me. I've always hated getting help, but now I've been loosening up because of Mark. I'm trusting him a lot more and being way more open. However, it also has some bad effects. What if he's not here when I need him or something? Like right now. Time to take a personality switch and go back to the old Kristen.
The old Kristen. I miss her. Strong sense of individuality, independent, fun, cheerful, smart, happy. I feel like most of these qualities don't even apply to me anymore. I feel like I'm a different person without even changing; I still feel like me, but it's like everything I DO or REACT changed. Nothing's the same anymore. Over and over again, things change.
Sometimes, change is nice.
Ok. I'm done. I'm just going to go study up for English and Spanish.
Oh ! Band banquet is tomorrow night. I'm excited for that! I just hope that it'll be fun and not fucked up like these past few days.
I got over it, but then at the same time, my grade in Spanish is starting to slip and start to go down. My oh-so-close-to-an-A-but-is-still-an-89, went down to an 88. I really have to pass the finals with As on all the different finals. I don't want to get a B in SPANISH. That's ridiculous. Ridiculous. Spanish has always been easy for me. I never really had to try, but now the information's getting to be a bit too much. I'm going to HAVE to study for it now. I don't care what other people think. I do my own thing.
Shout out to Kenny. I don't give a fucking damn about whether you studied or not . I don't give a fucking damn if you passed with a solid A and you didn't even try to do well. Mother fucker. I don't care anymore. I'm doing my own thing and you can fuck off.
While my Spanish grade is dropping ever so slowly, my Chemistry grade is gradually increasing.
As for English, I need to just get a decent grade in the class and I'll be fine for this semester.
On a different note, I hate right now. This feeling of misery and low self-esteem. Feeling needy and helpless has never been a recurring trait for me. I've always hated getting help, but now I've been loosening up because of Mark. I'm trusting him a lot more and being way more open. However, it also has some bad effects. What if he's not here when I need him or something? Like right now. Time to take a personality switch and go back to the old Kristen.
The old Kristen. I miss her. Strong sense of individuality, independent, fun, cheerful, smart, happy. I feel like most of these qualities don't even apply to me anymore. I feel like I'm a different person without even changing; I still feel like me, but it's like everything I DO or REACT changed. Nothing's the same anymore. Over and over again, things change.
Sometimes, change is nice.
Ok. I'm done. I'm just going to go study up for English and Spanish.
Oh ! Band banquet is tomorrow night. I'm excited for that! I just hope that it'll be fun and not fucked up like these past few days.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Fuck.
I hate everyone. Why do I even live.
Again and again. This happens. Every. FUcking. TIme. I'm tired of this. The fact that you don't even care. That you don't make a fucking effort to do anything. That the same fucking things happen every time. You always blame me. "Why don't I fucking blame Kristen for every thing that happens. OF FUCKING COURSE it's not MY fucking fault." No. That's it. I'm done. This time, YOU'RE going to make up for it. I'm not going to do shit. I'm not going to show that I care, that I want to talk to you.
Again and again. This happens. Every. FUcking. TIme. I'm tired of this. The fact that you don't even care. That you don't make a fucking effort to do anything. That the same fucking things happen every time. You always blame me. "Why don't I fucking blame Kristen for every thing that happens. OF FUCKING COURSE it's not MY fucking fault." No. That's it. I'm done. This time, YOU'RE going to make up for it. I'm not going to do shit. I'm not going to show that I care, that I want to talk to you.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Why do I hate everyone.
I hate everyone. Just die. Just die. I'm so tired. Mother FUCKER. I'm tired.
Why do I want to cry all the time. It's fucking pointless.
Fuck Mark. Fuck everyone. Fuck me. UGH.
Why do I want to cry all the time. It's fucking pointless.
Fuck Mark. Fuck everyone. Fuck me. UGH.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day
We're going to go eat at todai's later. It's a super cool buffet that I've never been to before but I heard some awesome stuff about it. Haha
So yesterday, I went to the CIF Volleyball game. It was so fun ! Intense, but we lost to them ;O Oh wells, they played alright I guess.
On Friday, I went to Kathy's concert entitled "End of Days". I LOVED it. So beautiful and emotional. Heh. I saw a bunch of people that I haven't talked to in a while and we hung out for a bit. Eh ;O
After the concert, when Kathy came out after being dismissed, she came to me and we chatted for a bit. Err. This is really weird, but when Kathy asked for a kiss, I gave her one right on the lips. I don't know if she meant the cheek or not, but she didn't seem to mind. I don't know..I feel .. weird. That was my first kiss with a girl.. I don't know if I should tell Mark or not. I feel like I should, but I don't want him to feel offended or anything. D:
Ah crap, I'll tell him later today. </3
Mark's still sick.. I think he sounded so much like crap that I couldn't even understand what he was saying. Sadly.
Oh wells. Time to study my ass off because I didn't do anything yesterday !
So yesterday, I went to the CIF Volleyball game. It was so fun ! Intense, but we lost to them ;O Oh wells, they played alright I guess.
On Friday, I went to Kathy's concert entitled "End of Days". I LOVED it. So beautiful and emotional. Heh. I saw a bunch of people that I haven't talked to in a while and we hung out for a bit. Eh ;O
After the concert, when Kathy came out after being dismissed, she came to me and we chatted for a bit. Err. This is really weird, but when Kathy asked for a kiss, I gave her one right on the lips. I don't know if she meant the cheek or not, but she didn't seem to mind. I don't know..I feel .. weird. That was my first kiss with a girl.. I don't know if I should tell Mark or not. I feel like I should, but I don't want him to feel offended or anything. D:
Ah crap, I'll tell him later today. </3
Mark's still sick.. I think he sounded so much like crap that I couldn't even understand what he was saying. Sadly.
Oh wells. Time to study my ass off because I didn't do anything yesterday !
Monday, May 7, 2012
To the point where I don't want to care anymore.
School's almost to an end. I'm just so fed up with work. More work next year.
I will persevere. I can deal with all this. I can do this. I will get the straight As that I feel that I deserve. As of late, I've been putting off all kinds of work. It's time to get serious and get it done right.
I'm almost there.
I will persevere. I can deal with all this. I can do this. I will get the straight As that I feel that I deserve. As of late, I've been putting off all kinds of work. It's time to get serious and get it done right.
I'm almost there.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
You know what you should do?
I hate when I'm mad at you. You never realize it. You don't even know why. You just continue to piss me off more and more. You're dense. You're blind. You don't even TRY to figure things out BY YOURSELF. You don't know anything. You don't know the first thing about anything. You tell me that I should be more open? I should TELL you why? Shit, it's so fucking OBVIOUS and you don't even realize it. You know what you should do? Grow the hell up. Think for yourself. Stop depending on other people for answers. You would get a trophy for dependency and pity. Another thing. Whenever something happens, you always HAVE the shift it so YOU'RE the fucking "victim". No. Fuck you. It's your fault.
I don't get it. I really don't. It's times like these when I wish I could just die already. I could just be free from everything that's fucking FINE with me. People get sad? Fuck them, they'll get over it. Sometimes I wish I never got in a relationship. Fucking trouble in all directions.
Everything fucking pisses me off. School. Tennis. People. Myself. Everything and everyone can fucking die.
Stop pissing me the fuck off. I don't like it anymore than you do.
I don't get it. I really don't. It's times like these when I wish I could just die already. I could just be free from everything that's fucking FINE with me. People get sad? Fuck them, they'll get over it. Sometimes I wish I never got in a relationship. Fucking trouble in all directions.
Everything fucking pisses me off. School. Tennis. People. Myself. Everything and everyone can fucking die.
Stop pissing me the fuck off. I don't like it anymore than you do.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Oh wells.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATEVER. FUCK IT. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. OHHHHHH FUCKING WELLS.
Fuck it. t(-__-t)
I'm tired of bullshit.
UGH. -flips shit-
Fuck it. t(-__-t)
I'm tired of bullshit.
UGH. -flips shit-
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Fahrenheit 451
Well, I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane.
He wore his happiness like a mask and the girl had run off across the lawn with the mask and there was no way of going to knock on the door and ask for it back.
Monday, April 30, 2012
"Dad's" home.
I woke up to the sound of my sister's voice. Four hours of sleep and I have finished homework. I didn't expect his voice though. It was an instant slap to my half-awake face. What the fuck is he doing here? What the fuck does he want? His existence is pointless and insignificant. He leaves on Wednesday. Before anything can be changed. Before something can happen. Never enough time to set things right, but things like that only happen in movies and dreams. Life just slaps it out of you and you're out on your own. Oh wells. "Dad's" home; as if nothing had ever changed. Like he hasn't left and had lived here the entire time. Hell no. Things change.
Oh wells.
Oh wells.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Tour 2012
WEDNESDAY NIGHT 4/25/12
Got on the bus at 8 ish and drove to Fresno. Arrived at the hotel around 1.
THURSDAY 4/26/12
@2 AM
Go to Mark's room, then Tuan's room, then Teddy's room. Had fun ! <3 Playing cards, listening to stories, and chilling out. Slept at around 4 and woke up at like 7. Ate breakfast and got in the bus again. Went to Calstate Fresno for a band clinic. We did play better, but I don't think that we're going to play that ever again, sadly. D: It was pretty though! They have a rose garden and it was wonderful; So many colors !
Back on the bus and we go to eat pizza and play billiards. I teamed up with Oscar and played against Jeffrey and Arthur. Arthur and I bet that if he wins, he gets a picture of Mark and me kissing and if I win, I get a picture of Arthur and Xuan kissing. I won ! We made a second bet that if I win, I get a picture of William and Janet kissing, and if Arthur wins, he get s a picture of Mark and me kissing. I still won; Thanks to Oscar! ^__^Y
Left and went to go play at a old people's home. It was pretty fun :D
Left again and went back to the hotel to change into semi formal wear to the dinner theater for a buffet and a play. We watched dirty rotten scoundrels and it was pretty funny. The food was good, the singing was beautiful, the story was coolios. I liked it !
Got back to the hotel and I get a massive stomach ache. D: Got some medicine from Oscar and worked on AP. Mark came to visit which made me really happy. I really wanted to focus on AP so I told him to leave D: I finished up to number 12 before I went out to Teddy's room again with Irena. We just watched them play cards and chill out. Mao is a wonderful and horrible game. It's so fun though ! Omg, so crazy. I took a detour to Mark's room before I went back to my room to sleep. And I just lay next to Mark. he was under the covers and Ryan yelled at him and said that he was an ass for not giving me any of the covers. heh, funny. I stayed for about ten minutes then left to go shower, pack, then sleep. Whew, so tiring.
FRIDAY 4/27/12
Woke up at 5:30am and got ready. Ate breakfast and loaded onto the bus. Long ass drive to Yosemite, but eh. I still had a stomach ache, but I pulled through. At the arrival, we were allowed to go wherever we wanted, so Mark, Irena, Celine, Tuan, Linda, Brandon, Vincent, Anthony, Leo, Joselyn, and I took a hike to Mirror Lake. It was the longest walk ever, but was still fun! So memorable.
Went to the buffet to eat dinner and the food was BEAUTIFUL. I loved it ! ^__^Y I was so full after, haha
Then we went back to our cabins and Celine, Irena, and I were playing some games, but we never finished because people kept coming into our cabin and interrupting. It was ok, because when Leo and Hien came in, we talked about funny stuff. Like romance and first kisses. haha ! Definitely something to remember too! Leo's sooo cute! Hien's really funny, haha. Then we went to sleep. haha !
SATURDAY 4/28/12
Woke up at 6am for a shower. It was HELLA cold. Omg. Took a long ass shower and Celine and Irena thought that I died or something for taking such a long shower. PSh, LOL Then we went to eat breakfast and one again, the food was beautiful and I loved it. :D We went back to the cabin and packed up again. I got three pills from Irena because I really didn't want to be awake for the ride. So I knocked out and at the stop for gas, I got three more pills from Oscar and knocked out again. What I didn't anticipate was how much stronger Oscar's pills were and went a bit crazy after a few hours when we made another stop in Solvang for our performance to the public. I didn't have my flip folder, so I either had to look at Dean's music, Pedro's music, or play by memory. Which sucks because I'm significantly shorter than everyone. D:
Afterwards, everyone had around 2 hours to go and chill out. I went to go eat subway with Mark, then we walked around aimlessly. I bought some cookies for my mom and some little trinkets for Tiff, Xiu, and my sister which were a ring, a pin, and a bracelet respectively. I think that they're pretty. ^__^
Then we saw Tuan, Aaron, Irena, Celine, Brandon, and Vincent. They were playing cards so we joined them. We played Egyptian War which is the best card game ever ! <3 Then we went back to the bus and Mark went to my seat and we sat with each other for a bit, then Irena came. We left Solvang and were on our way back to San Gabriel. Irena and I played a few games of 'I never' and 'I have' which was kind of fun. I was so tired though, so we both just knocked out. We arrived at school and unloaded. I saw Mark and kind of held onto him because I didn't want to leave.. D: I was so tired, so Mark made me promise him that I'll shower then sleep immediately. I did and slept until 9.
And this is the story of my very first band tour.
Lovin' it.
<3
Got on the bus at 8 ish and drove to Fresno. Arrived at the hotel around 1.
THURSDAY 4/26/12
@2 AM
Go to Mark's room, then Tuan's room, then Teddy's room. Had fun ! <3 Playing cards, listening to stories, and chilling out. Slept at around 4 and woke up at like 7. Ate breakfast and got in the bus again. Went to Calstate Fresno for a band clinic. We did play better, but I don't think that we're going to play that ever again, sadly. D: It was pretty though! They have a rose garden and it was wonderful; So many colors !
Back on the bus and we go to eat pizza and play billiards. I teamed up with Oscar and played against Jeffrey and Arthur. Arthur and I bet that if he wins, he gets a picture of Mark and me kissing and if I win, I get a picture of Arthur and Xuan kissing. I won ! We made a second bet that if I win, I get a picture of William and Janet kissing, and if Arthur wins, he get s a picture of Mark and me kissing. I still won; Thanks to Oscar! ^__^Y
Left and went to go play at a old people's home. It was pretty fun :D
Left again and went back to the hotel to change into semi formal wear to the dinner theater for a buffet and a play. We watched dirty rotten scoundrels and it was pretty funny. The food was good, the singing was beautiful, the story was coolios. I liked it !
Got back to the hotel and I get a massive stomach ache. D: Got some medicine from Oscar and worked on AP. Mark came to visit which made me really happy. I really wanted to focus on AP so I told him to leave D: I finished up to number 12 before I went out to Teddy's room again with Irena. We just watched them play cards and chill out. Mao is a wonderful and horrible game. It's so fun though ! Omg, so crazy. I took a detour to Mark's room before I went back to my room to sleep. And I just lay next to Mark. he was under the covers and Ryan yelled at him and said that he was an ass for not giving me any of the covers. heh, funny. I stayed for about ten minutes then left to go shower, pack, then sleep. Whew, so tiring.
FRIDAY 4/27/12
Woke up at 5:30am and got ready. Ate breakfast and loaded onto the bus. Long ass drive to Yosemite, but eh. I still had a stomach ache, but I pulled through. At the arrival, we were allowed to go wherever we wanted, so Mark, Irena, Celine, Tuan, Linda, Brandon, Vincent, Anthony, Leo, Joselyn, and I took a hike to Mirror Lake. It was the longest walk ever, but was still fun! So memorable.
Went to the buffet to eat dinner and the food was BEAUTIFUL. I loved it ! ^__^Y I was so full after, haha
Then we went back to our cabins and Celine, Irena, and I were playing some games, but we never finished because people kept coming into our cabin and interrupting. It was ok, because when Leo and Hien came in, we talked about funny stuff. Like romance and first kisses. haha ! Definitely something to remember too! Leo's sooo cute! Hien's really funny, haha. Then we went to sleep. haha !
SATURDAY 4/28/12
Woke up at 6am for a shower. It was HELLA cold. Omg. Took a long ass shower and Celine and Irena thought that I died or something for taking such a long shower. PSh, LOL Then we went to eat breakfast and one again, the food was beautiful and I loved it. :D We went back to the cabin and packed up again. I got three pills from Irena because I really didn't want to be awake for the ride. So I knocked out and at the stop for gas, I got three more pills from Oscar and knocked out again. What I didn't anticipate was how much stronger Oscar's pills were and went a bit crazy after a few hours when we made another stop in Solvang for our performance to the public. I didn't have my flip folder, so I either had to look at Dean's music, Pedro's music, or play by memory. Which sucks because I'm significantly shorter than everyone. D:
Afterwards, everyone had around 2 hours to go and chill out. I went to go eat subway with Mark, then we walked around aimlessly. I bought some cookies for my mom and some little trinkets for Tiff, Xiu, and my sister which were a ring, a pin, and a bracelet respectively. I think that they're pretty. ^__^
Then we saw Tuan, Aaron, Irena, Celine, Brandon, and Vincent. They were playing cards so we joined them. We played Egyptian War which is the best card game ever ! <3 Then we went back to the bus and Mark went to my seat and we sat with each other for a bit, then Irena came. We left Solvang and were on our way back to San Gabriel. Irena and I played a few games of 'I never' and 'I have' which was kind of fun. I was so tired though, so we both just knocked out. We arrived at school and unloaded. I saw Mark and kind of held onto him because I didn't want to leave.. D: I was so tired, so Mark made me promise him that I'll shower then sleep immediately. I did and slept until 9.
And this is the story of my very first band tour.
Lovin' it.
<3
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Band Tour: Fresno/Yosemite
I'm so excited ! ^__^ My first Band Tour! What a stress reliever. No school and homework until the end of Saturday. Whoooo!<3 Excited :3
Saturday, April 21, 2012
1984
Power is inflicting pain and humiliation. Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting together again in new shapes of your own choosing.
You are under the impression that hatred is more exhausting than love.
Sometimes they threaten you with something -- something you can't stand up to, can't even think about. Then you say, 'Don't do it to me, do it to somebody else, do it to so-and-so.' And perhaps you might pretend afterwards, that it was only a trick and that you said it to make them stop and didn't really mean it. But that isn't true. At the time when it happens you do mean it. You think there's no other way of saving yourself, and you're quite ready to save yourself that way.You want it to happen to the other person. You don't give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself.
if you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.
if you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.
Friday, April 20, 2012
I'm there, but at the same time, I'm not.
I have a dense boyfriend. He doesn't know anything. He doesn't know what to do in a relationship much less know how a girl thinks. He's so impossible. He doesn't get a clue that maybe I'm upset or sad or I want to talk to him. Because he doesn't realize anything. He says things that push me away and doesn't realize that that hurts. It's saddening. I don't see why he would say that. Why would he say that...? He's not romantic and doesn't know where to go for dates. He doesn't realize that I enjoy just being with him so I don't mind if we do something boring. He doesn't realize that I don't need something fancy in order to be happy or to at least cherish. Sometimes, I think that he would rather be away from me. With his friends playing games or talking instead of talking to me because it seems that I'm just that insignificant. Sometimes, I feel like I don't even exist in his eyes. I'm there, but at the same time, I'm not. In the end, I still love him unconditionally, but at times, he's just so dense. Nothing gets through and he doesn't realize anything either. It's hard having to live like this, when you're not remembered as much as you'd like to be. Easily forgotten. Just like any other person. Tiring.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
I don't get it. The one time that I want to do something, I'm rejected. I forgot the last time I had fun with my friends; I don't even have that many people that I call friends now. I'm so tired. Things keep piling up and I'm not keeping up with it anymore. I'm tired. I just want to do something for myself sometimes. Not for coach, not for my friends, not for my teachers, not for anyone. Some many things that I just want to stop doing. Like, for example, living.
One thing that I wanted that wasn't academic. And I'll probably never get it. Never.
One thing that I wanted that wasn't academic. And I'll probably never get it. Never.
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