Once.

Dear me,
Senioritis doesn't exist. It's just a lack of will and motivation. Gather your strength from within yourself and keep pushing forward. Be on top of things and please make yourself proud. You have the perfect balance of a social life and academic life. Let's see how far it takes you.

The bane of my existence

i'm so fucking tired of routine. I'm tired of people overcome with worry or stress. I'm tired of myself. Right now, I just want to cry my life away. just one day. That's all i need. A medium to exercise my emotions. I'm tired of expectations or being a "good girl". Fuck that. I'm tired of trying to be a perfect cutout for everyone. i just want to have a raw personality with wild desires to not do anything anymore.

Tears would roll down my cheeks and splatter on my light blue t-shirt that represented the LA marathon. My hands, busy trying to get work done, would raise occasionally to angrily wipe the salty drops which signified my weakness. I thought to myself, If the day would come when I could just do away with people, with life, with expectations, with restrictions, with ideals, with work, with reason, I wonder how much happier I would be. The bane of my existence was not being able to perform to my mother's expectations. My mother would then look at me with disdain and disgust and I would cower in fear and disappointment. 

phantom of the opera

Five months and seven days

i'm done.

pet peeve #6

A family's existence. I hate them. I hate them all.

I hate you.

i don't understand how i could hate someone so ardently. my feelings of hate have never been so passionate. i was so close today. twice. going away forever. so close. why didn't i. there's no one to stop me. nothing to keep me going. i just can't wait to leave. to leave and die. just be gone. i hate you so much i don't want to exist in a world where you're in. you're the bane of my existence and i hate you.
i hate family. they don't support. they fucking pull me down and drown me in melancholy. i hate them all. i wish i could just die.

Gone

Gone..
where were you when i needed you..

Pet Peeve #5

People taking the title of a leader, but not fulfilling it.

You pissfuck.

You again. You pissfuck. Can't you just leave me alone. I'm honestly fine without you. I'm just tired of you coming in and out of my life and thinking that you belong here. You don't. There's no space for your existence because you left it. You left this gap that you were supposed to fill in and I just had to accommodate. I became independent and I didn't trust you or her because you're all bound to leave. And I'm just fed up.

Perpetually pissed off.

fuck life

i'm just so fucking pissed. i'm so fucking tired. i hate family. i hate people. i just want to get away. far away. i don't want to be here anymore. i'm just pissing people off left and right. i can't even get a fucking hold of my fucking emotions. what the goddamn fuck am i doing. fuck me. i'm just so fucking tired. i just want a drink. this is the reason why i'm going to grow up an alcoholic. i just hate everyone so much, i need a fucking escape. breaking down crying is just the only thing i'm doing. i'm already drained from doing that. what good am i. ugh. why is life so hard. the difficulties just sap my motivation and will to do any better. everything's just so fucking troublesome. i need to get away. fuck life.

DONE

DONE WITH TOGAS.
DONE.

Parade today.
And then senior gifts.
):

10 more days of darkness

10 more days of darkness.
TOGA TOMORROW.
I HATE MAKING TOGAS.
I'M SO TIRED.
FABRIC HAS PISSED ME OFF TO NO END.
I NEVER KNEW IT COULD POSSIBLY PISS ME OFF THIS MUCH.
SO ANNOYING. UGH.

hope i have a great time at the dance though ~
first outdoor dance ! ^__^

on a side note..
Done with AP tests.
Now to stress about finals. -sigh- when will the schooling end.

I hate it.

JUST.
SO.
BITTER.

UGH.
I hate it.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.
YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING LEADER.
YOU ARE NOT.
AND YOU NEVER WILL BE.
WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK HAVE YOU FUCKING DONE FOR ANYTHING.
WHAT.
PLEASE.
ENLIGHTEN THE FUCK OUT OF ME BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY, I MISSED ALL THE FUCKING FUNDRAISERS THAT YOU PLANNED OUT OR THE EVENTS THAT YOU INFORMED THE OTHER PEOPLE.
OBVIOUSLY.
FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
GET A FUCKING GRIP ON FUCKING REALITY.
YOU.
ARE.
NOT.
FUCKING.
FIT.
FOR.
THIS.
I'M FUCKING DONE WITH YOU.
YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE OF MAKING ANY DECISIONS WHAT SO FUCKING EVER.
I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE EVEN CONSIDERING THIS.
YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID.
AND I HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR WITH YOU.
SO FUCKING GLAD THAT I'M FUCKING GOING OUT OF STATE.
YOU ARE THE PRIME EXAMPLE OF PEOPLE THAT I NEVER FUCKING WANT TO SEE EVER AGAIN.
DON'T FUCKING COME NEAR ME.
I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIEND.
YOU ARE ESSENTIALLY NOTHING.
YOU'VE NO LEADERSHIP.
NO RESPECT.
NO RESPONSIBILITY.
NO REPUTATION.
NO EXPERIENCE.
NOTHING.
FUCK YOUR SHIT.
GO FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF AND GET THE FUCK OUT.

The Run and Go

I

HAVE KILLED A MAN

AND ALL 

I KNOW

IS 

I 

AM ON 

THE RUN AND GO

Twenty One Pilots<3

Dear me,
Stop fucking procrastinating. You're pissing yourself off. Get the fuck out and study. Almost fucking there.
Three more percent.
-Kristen

Shit to watch whenever

Star Trek
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Iron Man 3
Man of Steel
Game of Thrones
Walking Dead
Hannibal
Mama
The Great Gatsby
The Purge
Gangster Squad
Silver Linings Playbook
Catching Fire
Hangover III
Django
Les miserables
Memento
Zero Dark Thirty
A Separation
Nobody Knows
Argo
Sinister
Anna Karenina
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
For a Good Time, Call..
The Watch
Milk
The Intouchables
The Awakening
Taken 2
House At the End of the Street
Looper
1408
We're the Millers
Rain Man
12 Angry Men
Schindler's List
Se7en
Fast and Furious
IP man
The Lone Ranger
Thor
Grown Ups 2
Turbo
The Wolverine
Leon: The Professional
Sin City
Blue Valentine
Charly
12 Monkeys
Slumdog Millionaire
2 Guns
300: Rise of an Empire
Dead Poets Society
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
V is for Vendetta
Texas CHainsaw Massacre
The Social Network
Whip It
Pitch Perfect
Princess Diaries
Ratatouille 
Remember the Titans
We are Marshal
Coach Carter
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kind
The Wizard of Oz
Easy A
Sherlock Holmes
No Reservations
DreamGIrls
Edward Scissorhands
Hachiko
The Proposal
Singin' in the Rain
Chaos Theory
Friends with Kids
Skyfall
Leap Year
27 Dresses
Sherlock Holmes
Iron Man 2
Coraline
Ice Princess
Memoirs of a Geisha
The Host
Admissions
Monsters University
White House Down
Confessions of a Shopaholic
He's just Not that Into You
My Sister's Keeper
The Backup Plan
Just Wright
Flipped
The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo
For Colored Girls
Prisoners
 White Chicks
The Internship
Don Jon
The Help 
The Devil Wears Prada
Les Miserables
The Hunger Games 
Scary Movie V
Corpse Bride
The Tourist
Just Go With It
Brave 
Tangled
The Princess and the Frog
Beauty and the Beast
Mulan
CInderella
Lady and the Tramp
Date Night
Midnight in Paris
Sparkle
Hope Springs
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
Hotel Transylvania
The Good Doctor
The Demon Inside
Shooter
Pain and Gain
Sarah's Key
Never Let Me Go
Frozen
The HObbit: The Desolation of Snaug
Imagine Me & You
The Perfect Man
Project X
Warm Bodies
Book of Eli
The Conjuring
42
Chloe
Carrie
Gravity
12 Years a Slave
I'm in Love with a Church Girl
The Saratov Approach
The Last House on the Left
We are what We Are
Epic
This is the End
Rise of the Guardians
Adore
Nebraska
Amour
Life of Pi
This Must be the Place
Safe Haven
Lincoln
Snowpiercer
Parker
Gimme Shelter
Pan's Labyrinth
The Elephant Man
Rush
Ghandi
Hunger
Malcolm X
The Hunt
One who Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
The Grandmaster
All is Lost

20 more days of darkness.

So done with life.

So much to do.

UGH. 

20 more days of darkness. 

Let there be light.

Please, I need it. 

Tired.

Once again, I hate myself.

Tired, just so tired.
27.

I just can't wait to leave.

I hate bothering people.
I hate pissing people off especially when I don't even know I did.
I hate disappointing people because I disappoint myself enough.
I hate trying, but falling short.
I hate that I hide everything.
I hate the fact that I can't trust someone with everything.
I hate that I feel like a failure.
I hate feeling like my friends are expendable.
I hate the fact that people leave.
I hate being here.

I just can't wait to leave.
But at the same time, I want to make the most of my memories here.

What to do..
What to do, indeed.

Pet Peeve #4

People that unknowingly piss me off and simply continue to piss me off. 

Just. 

Get the fuck out.

I don't even want to look at you. 

Being the perfect daughter

One must never talk back. Everything said must be packed tight with smiles and diffident grace like a corset bound princess. Like a doll painted with a red stain twisted into a polite smile, a facade is necessary and an admired reputation is vital.
One must be patient. Good things come to those to wait; Or so one would think. Patience is a virtue and rush will prove to be fatal.
One must have an iron will because women are to face the most difficult challenges in life, the most turbulent of quandaries. Life choices are not just simple decisions of what kind of extravagant meal sits on the thin and embroidered china lying upon the rosewood table. But rather such choices are dependent on the secrecy and inconspicuous words of society and how a woman is to face these situations.
One must be at the top of one's class. With grades wrapped with A's and nothing less and respect that floats above like a halo on an angel. Attending to boorish classes and competing with people of all kinds, yet still protruding forward as the one and the only perfect student.
Being the perfect daughter.

I am none, nor will I ever, be any of these for I am not that perfect daughter. I'm just a simple child that undergoes the crude transformation of an innocent child to a rude insolent teenager. I'm not always happy, and I don't plan on pleasing everyone's needs especially when I have to sacrifice my own time and happiness. I'm not a silent daughter that accepts criticism left and right, yet still is able to manage to move forward and stay strong. I'm not. I trip and fall. I stumble and cry. I stop and I feel as if i can't move on. i'm stuck and I'm lost and I don't want to go forward anymore.

I can't stop here though.

One by one, we will continue to fall

Getting drunk on the drops of self pity and despair will seize your heart and poison your soul. But that's ok. Because we are human and we need the pathetic effects of procaine to numb us as often as morning coffee. The snaking anesthesia coursing through our veins because we're too weak to cope with pain, rejection, guilt, envy, and failure.
It's when we adapt from the sobriety of childhood to the intoxication of young adults to a constant indulgence that we have fallen. One by one, we will continue to fall; such sweet children-- so easily susceptible to the quandaries laid out by the role models-- fall prey to us.
It's time to revive the 18th amendment and refine ourselves. To strip away the stilts and canes. The crutches and handicaps. The boosters and braces. For we are able to stand alone; It is by choice that we have corrupted so.

Happy birthday, dumb fuck.

1720

I still feel like crying.

I'm straddled at the bottom of a wall-- a wall of expectations. Sometimes, I'm proud that I've moved up a step or two, but the overwhelming pressure of something more than just gravity shoves me down because it can't bear to see me succeed.

I'm tired of falling and slipping off the wall.

Black and blue all over, I don't think climbing is my thing.

So I like to talk to myself.

U of M
Cal
UCSD
SDSU
UCLA
SLO
CSULB
UCSB

Wishes, hopes, and dreams.

Dear me,
Stay focused. Keep your eyes ahead of you and be prepared. Don't falter and trip; Keep moving forward. With confidence. With strength. With conviction. Don't give up. If you really wanted to give up, you would have done so earlier. You've exerted so much effort; Soon you'll see the fruits of your labor.
Keep working.
-Kristen.

So I like to talk to myself. I have to encourage myself to stay on task since there's no one coaching me to do better.

Hiking hurts

My legs and my ass hurt. Hiking hurts.
It was fun though~
So damn tired.
Nevertheless. I had fun even though we got lost on the way there and I might have sprained my ankle.
STILL FUN.

Let Me Go

Let me go.
Go to sleep.
Forever and
Ever, and
Ever.
Let me go.
Go to the medicine cabinet.
Swallow the pills.
One.
Two.
Three.
All of them.
Like skittles.
They'll be gone in a flash.
Like my existence.
Let me go.
Go to my bed.
Six
Feet
Under

I'm exhausted.

Pet Peeve #3

When people eat obnoxiously.
Or cough without covering their mouth.
Or just lack basic table manners.

Seriously, I don't want to see all that. -__-

WHY

I'm so mad and depressed that I can't even think of a way to creatively express my feelings.
JUST
SO
FUCKING
PISSED.
I DON'T
FUCKING
UNDERSTAND
WHY.
WHY.
WHY.

WHY AM I SUCH A FUCK UP.
WHY DO I EVEN LIVE.
WHY DON'T I JUST GO DIE NOW.
WHY SHOULD YOU CARE.
WHY SHOULD I CARE.

Pet Peeve #2

Teaching someone by writing examples on a notebook and ripping it out for said person to keep, then realizing that on one of the sides of the notebook contains parts of the notes that is needed.

-_____- fuck me. ugh.

To the mall, again

Out with Natalie to the library so I could teach her chem. Went to Curry House to eat, then watched Gangster Squad. Pretty good~
Then went out with Tiff to the mall.
Again.
The FOURTH time this break.
What am I doing with my life.
I need to stop spending money.

Today was fun though. Hanging on to my social life <3

One month anniversary

A happy day <3

Talked to him online and I went to go pick him up at like 12. Went to Santa Anita Mall so he could shop because I already went to the mall twice before him. Then we went to eat KBBQ and then I told Tiff and she got mad, so I went to her house to give her an ice cream cone ): Her dog attacked me.. Then we went to Fluff Ice and we just sat around doing nothing. Ended our day by going to 88 steps and just sitting and talking and having fun. <3 Then I had to go home.
Today was a good day. One month anniversary. I'm happy <3

I just want to go away.

I get so tired of being chosen over.
Walking past me like I'm invisible?
Pretending that I don't exist?
Looking over me because you don't want me in your sight?
Talking to someone else so that person could be the middleman between you and me?

Fine.
It's always been like this anyways. When have you ever looked at me and actually LOOKED at me? When have you actually cared? You say you have, but you've never exactly shown it. Every glance you give me is just a cold hard glare. You've never cared. You technically never even raised me. Grandma did. You even said so yourself..
You know what you taught me though?
How to be independent. How to keep emotions in. How to deal with everything and tolerate how cruel life can be. How to keep my expectations low. How to deal with being your last priority.

Every time I hear you talk to her, I start to die inside because you've never used that generous tone to me.

I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I just want to go away.
Go away and never come back. I'm just so tired of being last. So tired.

Who needs me anyways?

Sometimes I feel like I should purposely fuck up just to get your attention.
Straight Fs and you still wouldn't care. Why would you need to? You have her. My existence is pointless. You don't need me. I'm just a waste of your time. You wouldn't be able to withstand a second glance at me. You act as if everything I do is the bane of your existence. Why should I have to work hard anyways. I can just die after high school; I'm not going to go far in college. That way, you don't have to pay for my college education. You don't even have to remember me because I'll be dead. Who needs me anyways? You wouldn't support me if your life depended on it. All your time, your efforts, your money go to her. When have you cared about what I do? The volunteer events that I go to are towards my future, but you've never heard of that before me because she never went to any. The things I do different are shot down and they just crumble beneath your judgmental gaze. What can I do right? What can I possibly do to make you happy? Why should I keep trying? Where are the "fruits" of my hard work? They don't exist.
I'm so tired of trying to get your approval. You don't care about me anyways. I'm nothing in your eyes.

Fuck it.
I don't hate her. I just hate the comparison. The difference in affection. I hate that.

Opps.

Yesterday; March 16, 2013
Out with Davin to the mall. Then out to eat with the trumpet section at alondra's
Mhm <3

Today.
Gordon <3
And Kelly came home! I had no idea she still existed.
Opps, hehe

I'm just so exhausted.

The moment I get home tomorrow, I'm going to shower and then sleep. Screw eating or seeing friends or hanging out. I want to sleep. I need my sleep. I'm so fucking tired.
I'll see my friends afterwards.
Maybe.. I still have homework.
Why does my life revolve around school?
My eyes aren't even fully open; How the fuck am I going to keep studying?
I just want to sleep and never wake up...
I'm just so exhausted. The choices I made are just fucking me over right now.

Pet Peeve #1

Pet Peeve #1 (no specific order)
People that don't respond when you're in need of assistance.

I'm asking some friends about what they think about a homework assignment so I could get a subjective view on what I should do. BUT NOPE. NO ONE WANTS TO TALK TO ME. Now I'm just going to blindly write my article and write all kinds of BS because I don't know what I'm doing.

WONDERFUL.
AB-SO-FREAKING-LUTE-LY WONDERFUL.

I hate school.

APUSH
-Timeline project
-Cold War article
-Ch 40 notes
-Ch 39/40 study

Trig
-Ch 3 Test
-Ch review

APChem
-Forces
-Gas Laws

APPhysics
-Nuclear
-Modern

Lang
-The Great Gatsby

Band
-Festival

I hate school. Just thinking about it makes me sad.
I have to push through. Finish this and soon it'll be the weekend and spring break.

Three more days.
I can make it.

You suck, tiff.

STOP MAKING FUN OF ME.

What are you thinking about?

He asked me what I was thinking about.
I couldn't. Too many thoughts ran through my head. I was happy. I was excited. I was tired. I was embarrassed. I was lost. I was...
in love.
He looked me in the eye and asked me again, "What are you thinking about?"
I looked him back in the eye and didn't say anything. I just buried my face in his chest and held him tightly.
He nudged me again and I looked up at him. I didn't want to say it.
I told him that it was too deep for him.
He made me anyways, so I said, "How much I love you."

The knowing smile flashed back and he held me closer. That was the root of my happiness, just being with him.

The best kind of friendship.

Went out with a friend that I haven't seen in a long time. We caught up and spoke about our love lives and just had fun. I haven't talked with her in the longest time; it just made me miss her that much more. I'm so happy that we've been able to keep in contact because she really is one of my best friends that I don't talk to that often.
I just miss talking to my friends. I look back and I just wonder when the last time we talked and it just seems like it's been the longest time ever. But we always manage to come back together and talk like we've never been separated. The best kind of friendship.

I just told her everything. My break up with a douche face and my new relationship with someone better and the things we did. Same for her and it just felt like we never stopped talking. The openness and laughs never ended. We just picked up from when we last left off.
Haven't been this happy from someone that's not my boyfriend in a long-ish time. <3

Work = Force x Distance

Work
Work
Work
Work
Study
Study
Study
Study
Work
Work
Work
Work
Cry
Cry
Cry
Cry
Work
Work
Work
Work

Don't stop working.

I just don't fucking understand.

EVERYBODY wants to fucking piss me off.
Everyone just has to fucking choose TODAY to piss me the fuck off. I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW STUPID YOU CAN POSSIBLY BE.

You're making your significant other choose between the two things that he loves, you and track. Do you even realize what you're doing to him? You need to calm the fuck down and stop being so fucking goddamn selfish. Learn to be tolerant or understanding. He isn't a superhuman and he's not capable of doing anything on your goddamn whim. He has his own fucking things to do and if you can't fucking handle that, then you obviously are too blind and self-centered to realize the choice that would have quelled an entire argument about the stupidest thing ever. He can't spend  every goddamn moment waiting on you, holding your fucking hand, and carrying your ego around like a fucking princess, and you just have to deal with that. BUT SINCE YOU FUCKING CAN'T, YOU GUYS BROKE UP OVER THE STUPIDEST REASON, AND IT'S YOU'RE FUCKING FAULT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO WEAK TO GO ON WITHOUT HIM.
YOU SHOULD BE STRONGER. SHOULDN'T NEED A FUCKING GUY TO DEFINE WHO YOU ARE OR SET A FUCKING STANDARD AS TO HOW PEOPLE SEE YOU. YOU DON'T NEED TO FUCKING CLING ONTO HIM LIKE HE'S YOUR CANE AS YOU TRY TO WALK DOWN A PATH WITH ONE LEG. I AM PRETTY SURE GOD HAS BLESSED YOUR SORRY EXCUSE OF A EXISTENCE WITH TWO LEGS. USE THEM, YOU MOTHER FUCKER. WALK BY YOURSELF.

UGH WASN'T EVEN THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT PISSED ME OFF TODAY.
FUCKING DUMB ASS MS C. You always bash on the trumpet section, but seriously, what the goddamn fuck. Who was the one that let their sorry excuse of a trumpet player in the fucking band in the first place. YOU BASH ON THEM TIME AFTER TIME, YEAR AFTER YEAR, BUT YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THE GROWTH OF STUPIDITY IN THE BAND BY REGULATING THE SIZE AND SETTING STANDARDS AND REQUIREMENTS.
I just don't fucking understand. I just don't.

I'm just so sorry.

Every limped step that you take

Every pained look that flashes on your face

Every spaced out gaze that you get

scares me. 

Because I don't know

What's going to happen

What I need to do

What is expected of me.

I wish I could just

Understand the cancerous

Pain that leeches onto you
The viscous poison that
Grabs a hold of
Your precious lungs
Or if I could
Read the 

Soothing words or 

Calming phrases from out 

Of your mind

Help you move along.

But I can't.

Not when my

Words

Clash and Destroy

Yours.

Not when the distance

Is widening 

Rather than closing.

Not when 

Your pain 

And suffering

And age

Exceed mine.

I thought that 

Everything would
Be fine

That I could

Just close my

Eyes to everything and

It could disappear.

It didn't.

Like a vicious 

Detrimental patch of bacteria

Or 

A outbreak of a plague

Or

A spread of a virus

It didn't get better.

I wish this 

Never happened.

That age and time

Only existed

In our minds

And that

We could rebirth 

Ourselves again 

And again

And again

And again.

But life's not fair.
Over and 

Over and

Over again

You wish 

That something would

Shine your way, 

But the sun rises

From the east

And sets in the west

As you lay

Six feet under.

Death brings

A family closer,

Does it not?

No.
I've never felt
So far away from
You as
I do
Now.

I'm

Just

So 

Sorry.

I wish I could do more.
I wish I could explain 

To you how I feel
What I want to convey

How much I care for you

How much you mean to me.

But I can't.

Fuck language barriers.

Being the best

I don't understand where my motivation went. I'm so tired or distracted or lazy or something. I'm slacking on homework and I know it and I just hate it so much because I want to be better. I don't to be average. I want to be the best I can be. Obviously, I'm not going to because I'm just to stupid.
Ugh.

The first.
The first of many things.

Am I happy?

New relationship, new person, new journeys, and all.
Am I happy?
I'd like to think so. Maybe I was just tired of being treated like shit and this upgrade, no matter how slight, feels heavenly.
I don't know what I want anymore. I just want to live life. Whatever happens, happens. I think i'm strong enough to fight through it.

My Demons

Fuzzy lights bring me back the the surface; I can't even begin to fathom why I should be coming back, but I just focus on the fact that it hurts. Everything, my body, my head, my life is hysterical, crying in pain and sadness. Crying because of the one who left me alone on the street, because I was left to die, because every passing person didn't glance long enough to notice the dark bodily shape curled on the ground. Crying because I had made the worst choice of my life, because I had chosen to live in fear and frustration and sorrow, because I gave in to the demons inside of me.

I hear them now, the demons, the humming of their voices grow louder and louder and pulsates inside of me like the bass turned up on high. I want to run, run far far away from the voices, from everyone, from myself. But I can't, they entice me, they seduce me, they take away my will and force me to do their bidding, force me to draw a contract with the devil and become an eternal slave in his name. I so desperately try to jerk myself from their influence, but they have already tainted me.

I think back to my dreams, so innocent, so pure. Where did they go? The dream that I would grow up and get married and live happily ever after where I was jubilant and joyous. The dream that surrounded me in love and tranquility, that brought me safety from life's adversities. Why do I find myself in the gutter crying, bleeding, dying? What has come so that I, one that almost had everything, have come to lose everything.

The demonic voices rain on me and the pain that I feel explodes, ten-fold. I have to make a choice: Shall I live eternally as a slave, or shall I end the suffering and become one with nothingness. My weak will, my swayed emotions, my blind teary eyes, my infinite screams, my desperate need for escape bewildered me and I simply couldn't ignore it any longer.

So this is the life of the enslaved. Dark and bitter. Fiery and nefarious. Is this potentially the worst decision of my meaningless life?  

Princesses

Once upon a time, there was a princess that lived in the most beautiful of all the kingdoms in the world. Harvests flourished, the people fat and jolly, everything was simply perfect-- Except for the princess. The lavish princess clothed in the most expensive silks, donned with the most beautiful accessories walked through the kingdom by her lonesome self and discovered her dead lover, a poor servant boy, a mere commoner, sprawled across the kingdom hall ripped to shreds by swords and maces. The exuberant decor of the walls, floors, ceilings, everything, clashed with the torn rags stained with dirt and crimson. The poor girl, she held back her screams and choked on her tears because her affairs and relationship with the dead boy couldn't be rumored about by the public, the court, her father. She allowed herself one last embrace and then stepped away from the corpse to return to her chambers. Sitting quietly, she thought of him and the dark hole that tore into her heart. She knew that she couldn't live without him; everything she saw reminded her of him: the dark shadowy curtains which resembled his luscious locks of hair, the disheveled bed which signified her infidelity, and his scent that she concocted in her mind seemed to invoke memories that she so dearly cherished. She knew that she did not have long, not without him.
Turning her head, she laid her eyes on the window that revealed the endless blue sky, the green hills, the hearty villagers. She pushed the window open and leaned out when a swooping sparrow caught her eye. Her eyes followed its path and  then she reached an arm towards  the bird. She wasn't close enough, so she continued to lean forward even more.
Then a rush of air pushed against her body; she closed her eyes and released both her arms. She was flying, flying into the arms of her love.

Him

Together, his arm wrapped around my waist, my head resting on his chest, I felt closer to him more than I have anybody. The mundane movie that we watched progressed on and on, but all I could think about was him. His warmth fueled my happiness and I couldn't let go-- I had already grown addicted. My once icy and dreary heart melted in his presence and he was the one to supply the fiery flames to keep me moving. Every glance that I stole from him, I felt a grin betray my stoicism. I scolded myself for letting my emotions overwhelm me, but secretly I was overjoyed that he lay next to me even if it was just for one day.
To my despair, the day drew to a close, he was on his way, and I returned to my lonesome self. However new days bring new journeys and maybe, if I believe, he could be my companion to tackle life's quests.

The Birds

The sun shines so radiantly, shines down on me.
I bathe in its warmth and in that short moment, I know what elation feels like.
The brilliant rays wash away my fears, wash away my tears.
I am whole again.
I tilt my head back and speculate the endless blue that blankets the world.
I close my eyes and imagine what it feels like to be a
Bird flying in the air without a care for the world,
without a single string of stress,
without the weight of society.

A joy, it seems.
To feel the wind splash over my body,
Adrenaline coursing through my veins,
I can almost imagine it now. I look down at the colorful ants--
Oh how I wish to join them--
And I begin to lean forward.

Forward.
Forward.
And I fall.

Fall like a meaningless leaf from an autumn tree,
Fall into oblivion.
I close my eyes and it draws me to my
 recurrent dreams and I am flying,
flying like a bird that I have long envied.
My arms extend and I feel the relentless wind
pushing me up and gravity
pulling me down.
A faint smile tugs at my lips;
I've never felt better.

Time

Time lingers with you for a brief moment,
Like a piece of bittersweet chocolate in your mouth.
You try to savor the flavor,
The moment,
The present,
But it inevitably vanishes.

Time disappears like a card in a magic trick.
You know it goes somewhere, but as
The audience,
The target,
The victim,
You're never quite sure where it ends up.

Time horrifies you like a silent creeping darkness
That surrounds you, suffocates you.
You try to pull at it in desperation,
But your pathetic, clawing fingers grasp at nothing.

Time ages you like the wind.
It envelops your body then pushes through
Leaving nothing but old memories.
You hopelessly run from it,
Hide from it,
Panting with each step,
Darting your strained eyes left and right,
But it is always faster, quicker, stealthier.

When time has consumed your entirety,
when time has reached the finish line,
when time has contracted a sorrowful aura of anguish and dread and gloom
That washes over you,
You shouldn't fight it.

The only thing you can do is let it devour you.

Dressing in all black

Dinner theater earlier! It was pretty fun. Made a lot of jokes with Mora and I kissed xuan on the cheek to make arthur jealous, hehe.
I had no idea what to wear, so i chose the easiest solution: Dressing in all black. I thought I looked pretty good for once ! LOL <3

1660

I cried. I cried so hard. The slightest mention of it and I started to tear up. Why....

Studying. More and more. For what.

Nothing. 

I'm tired.

Still studying.

So tired.. 

Specialty.

Hurting people's feelings. It's my specialty. 

Maybe I should showcase this fact on my forehead so that people would know beforehand and I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for being so stupid and heartless. 

I should change for the worse so people wouldn't be so close to me. 

Maybe.

Well then..

If I piss you off, I'm sorry. You could just say so.
Well then, I'm just going to.. mope and wonder why everything sucks.
ugh.

February 8, 2013

Walt Disney Concert Hall
It was pretty damn nice. What I didn't like was the stupid "play". I'd rather just listen to the music.
Gorgeous.

Basketball Game-- Alhambra Moors
I went completely crazy with my friend Natalie. I don't know where the energy came from, but it was a relief to know that I can still have "fun".

I liked that day. It was nice.
One day among the few.

Dreams. Oh, how they terrify me.

Woke up in the middle of the night from a nice dream. Talking to my friend about something, nothing important, but I know I was happy, haha.

Drifted back to sleep and I contracted the worst nightmare I've had in ages. No, this wasn't the heart pounding, cold sweat kind of dream. It was a dream of choices, and I'll never know if I made the right choice.

It was night time. i was at home with my sister, and cousins eating dinner. My mom comes in and for some reason she's hysterical and violent as she wields knives in her hands. As a defense mechanism, my sister grabs some knives as well and begins to fight my mom. I stand there, just watching everything. I grabbed some knives as well in case my sister fell, so I could jump in prepared. She did, so I was now fighting my mom. I 'defeated' her easily, but it was as if she let me. Every stab or slice I tried seemed to just slide off; Nothing worked, but she fell anyways. She seemed to have gotten her sense back..  With arms pinned behind her back, I told my cousin to get some rope so I could tie her up. After, we took her to the car. I told my sister to drive. As a last 'goodbye' my mom hugged my sister and my aunt. She just walked past me, got in the car and told my aunt to sit next to her so she wouldn't sit next to me. My sister drove off and I was in the back seat trying to hold my tears back.
Then I woke up.

Dreams. Oh, how they terrify me. I never liked dreams, good or bad.
This isn't a good way to start off the new year..

Where does the time go..

I'm at a lost with my memories. I can't remember anything that happens anymore. Little bits and pieces are jumbled and I don't know how to sort it back. How can I be so sure that some things happened in the first place. The time has passed and it won't happen again, but where does the time go..
I'm just tired of not remembering.

What do I do ?!

I haven't had a bloody nose in years. What do I do? LOL. 

JUST GOING TO IGNORE IT............ boo

bah, where's my bag of motivation to get me through homework.

109 YARD RUN. YEEEEEEEEEEA.

ravens. WHOOOOOOOOOOOO.

On My Own.

And I know.. That it's only in my mind. That I'm talking to myself, and not to him.

Without him, the world around my changes.. The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers..

A world that's full of happiness that I have never known.

I love him.. But only on my own...

Ugh.

When people make you feel worthless, what's the point.. really. ugh.

Traumatic.

Driving one friend home? No prob, I got that shit.
Driving four friends home that are crazy and hilarious? I'm going to die.

So traumatic. My friends are all crazy, why did I agree to drive them home? LOL.

I just wanted to let you know that I hate everyone.

Stop pissing me off.

Only productive when I don't talk to people and I'm not at home. -sigh-

A bee fucking stung me.

HOW THE FUCK DOES A BEE STING A PERSON'S NECK? UGH. SO STUPID. THE FIRST TIME THAT A BEE STINGS ME AND IT'S ON THE FUCKING NECK. FLEXING HURTS. TWISTING IT HURTS. UGH. SO DYSFUNCTIONAL. WTF. AND I TAKE THE FUCKING SAT TOMORROW? HOW THE HELL DO I EVEN FOCUS. UGH. FUCK. UGH.

Disneyland.

Tired as fuck. My knees are forever fucked.
I hate everyone. I hate band. I hate walking. I hate everything.
Fuck this shit.

No happiness found on the happiest place on earth-- not today.

One year, two months, and 28 days.

I broke up with him.
I miss him. I want him back.
It's for the better, isn't it? There so many more other things to focus on..

I can't go back. I made my own decision and I have to live with the consequences.

Should it be like this?

It's like you're ashamed of me.

"Hey, maybe I could go to your house for a little bit."
"oh, but that's suspicious.."

I don't even know how to respond. It's like your love is a lie. It's like you don't want to see me. It's like you're ashamed of me. It's like you don't think about how I feel when you say shit like that. Time after time, I vow that I would never want to see you again. Time and time again, I come back. What do I have to come back to? Nothing. What's the point.