I hate being forgotten.

You know. i'm not asking for you to spend all your damn fucking time with me. I just want to be able to talk to you sometimes. You're in class and I respect that. But the damn moment you get home you're just sleeping. by the time you wake up, i'm done for the day. When do i ever get to have a moment with you? Other than the nights when i'm in bed and you're doing something else. I can barely have a conversation with you anymore because I don't know what to say to you and apparently I'd have to schedule an appointment just to talk to you. Am I going crazy or do all my relationships end in the other person ignoring me? Because I really don't know anymore. I thought that I could talk to you without boundaries. You told me that I could talk to you anytime. Well you weren't there. You rarely are anymore and you fail to see that. Of course I understand that you're over there and you want to move on and hang out with your friends because why the fuck not right? It just bothers me that there's not a moment you stop to think about me when I think about you all the time. You always said that I'm not as open anymore. How's this for being open. I hate being forgotten. I hate creating bonds with other people that I would learn to love and laugh with when I know that eventually they'll all leave me. I hate being alone and being thousands of miles away in a city where I haven't known anyone for more than a month, 'alone' is basically what I always feel. Hey doesn't this sound fucking familiar? Something you told me all the time. How you needed me and I would swoop down and come to your rescue. Where are you? Where are you when I need you? When I just need someone to listen to me and bear with my sadness because it's hard being alone. All I'm asking for is to just be any part of your life right now. Because somehow we had the past figured out and the future planned, but completely missed the present.

Where did Kristen go?

Drexel University.
Today is the completion of my first week of school. Classes were moderately easy for now. Moving on to more important things.

I feel like I don't fit in. I haven't found my group yet or something. I do have friends but I'm not as comfortable with them as I am with my friends back home. I feel inferior because of social status and academic status. Probably even looks and personality too because I feel sub par. I find myself wanting to be like everyone else that if this continues I'm going to look back and wonder "Where did Kristen go?" and I don't want that. I want to be myself, but it's just so hard when there's no one with a similar background to stand by you.

never mind and goodbye.

I feel like I'm missing out. This distance between us and the need to strive forward in our own lives makes it so much harder. I don't get to talk to you much anymore. Other people get to see you and talk to you and hang out with you. And it's not fair. I wish I could hold you and hug you. Even hear your voice without the knowing fuzz from a cell phone. I don't know. It's what's expected I guess. I'm just jealous and probably paranoid so never mind and goodbye.

I don't know what to do anymore.

i can't stop crying. Nothing makes me feel better. I'm better off dead.
This whole day, i have just been contemplating the various ways i could use to kill myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is just so much simpler when you don't do anything.