A Thousand Splendid Suns
This is what it means to be a woman in this world.
Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman.
God's words will never betray you, my girl.
Only one skill. And it is this: tahamul. Endure.
You're afraid, Nana. You're afraid that I might find the happiness you never had. And you don't want me to be happy. You don't want a good life for me. You're the one with the wretched heart.
I guess some people can't be dead enough.
One could not could the moons that shimmer on her roofs or the thousand suns that hide behind her walls.
And the Mountains Echoed
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoings or rightdoings, there is a field. I'll meet you there.
You know nothing of courage. For courage, there must be something at stake. I have come here with nothing to lose.
When you have lived as long as I have, you find that cruelty and benevolence are but shades of the same color.
Nothing good came free. Even love. You paid for all things. And if you were poor, suffering was your currency.
A story is like a moving train: no matter where you hop onboard, you are bound to reach your destination sooner or later.
I suspect the truth is that we are all waiting, all of us, against unsurmountable odds, for something extraordinary to happen to us.
They say find a purpose in your life and live it. But, sometimes, it is only after you have lived that you recognize your life had a purpose, and likely one you never had in mind.
Creating means vandalizing the lives of other people, turning them into unwilling and unwitting participants. You steal their desires, their dreams, pocket their flaws, their suffering. You take what does not belong to you. You do this knowingly.
Beauty is an enormous unmerited gift given randomly, stupidly.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Friday, February 6, 2015
A lot has happened.
It's been. An extremely long time since I wrote something. I usually wrote about major things that happen to me, but recently I haven't. I mean terrible things still happen and I have no idea what to do about it, but I just don't want to complain anymore. Maybe to myself, but not to others. If it doesn't annoy other people, it certainly pisses me off. Last post was October 20, 2014. Now it's Feb 6, 2015. A lot has happened. The year has ended and started anew. Winter break was... In a way eye opening. I saw my friends and family: the people who mattered. Parting was less difficult, but the social that I had with my group hurt a little. The realization that I'm not going to be home in the confines of my friends from back home made me the saddest person. Tears would well up in my eyes as I looked over at every face that was in the tiny room. I was going to miss this. I love all my friends and they contributed to such a large part of my life. And after this upcoming summer, I'm not going to see them again for an extremely long time. The thought of not knowing when the next time I go home is .. depressing. It's not like I don't like it here. I love it here; I'm having a great time in my winter term. Generally speaking of course.
And then there's boys. There's always boys. Well. I (happily) broke up with my ex. It was. just. So tiring and useless. He wasn't trying and that made me not try. It just wasn't working. Major props to those in LDR. It's insane. Now then. New guys.
Guy 1. He is cute, amazing, so talented and I fancy him quite a lot. He's a silent badass that's so smart and I just am so interested in him. The thing is we don't talk often and that just makes me wonder if he cares or not. Am I annoying him? Does he care? Why won't he talk to me? Silly useless things to think about. I'm just so idiotic.
Guy 2. I flirted with him before, but it just didn't work out. I told him and he got really hurt. And I truly feel bad because I did it in a way that was I guess shady. Our relationship was patched up and he texted me last night that he wanted to talk. Ok. I am. Never good with talks. I should never be prompted to "talk". You just have to do it spontaneously or just don't tell me that you want to "talk". It freaks me out and I get scared and I will assure you that I will cry. Confrontations have never worked well for me. I always end up shedding a tear or two. It hurts and I don't want to do it. But I do and I wish I never have to ever again. I am a horrible bearer of bad news. I just hate having to "talk". Especially when Guy 2 specifically said that he never wanted to talk about it again. That's a little hypocritical to say you want to talk about it at your convenience. It's not like I was ever going to talk about it either though. So whatever. I just don't know what he wants to talk about and Anna's too busy with. Well. Other things that I feel like she won't care about anything I'm saying.
Guy 3. I have no intention whatsoever of ever dating this guy. He is overly touchy, needy, and just a terrible person. He asked me for help in physics which I agree to when I find out that he's never had a shred of physics in his background at all. I pitied the guy. He was struggling and I wanted to help. But he had no interest in learning at all. He pleaded for help, but he would cross my boundaries and just make me so uncomfortable. I think I'm done with talking to him. I really don't want to associate myself with him and I should tell him. I'm sure he gets the idea though because I'm just a cold hearted asshole. Matters not. He just makes me so uncomfortable.
Guy 4. Also have no intention whatsoever of dating him. I know him through band, but I haven't seen him at the past few basketball games, so that's like a relief to me. I don't want to see him. He's not a bad person, but I feel like he just keeps flirting with me and constantly brushes his arm across mine. It's gr8. Not really. I don't want to deal with other guys. Especially since this guy as no intention of anything serious.
Guy 5. I don't think he's interested in me, but we've been talking a bit more. He's cool, but still I have no intention on dating him or anything.
Guy 6. Is a great asshole. He was my (shameful) hook-up and he had a girlfriend. He. Got. Her. Pregnant. That. You don't. You knew. She is due soon. What is your problem. Where are your morals. That. I am never going to talk to him again.
Girl 1. Ah yes. Girls. We're not together, but we depend on each other a lot. We could carry on with our lives, but still think the other is significant. I feel that we should stop charming each other so that we could go our separate ways. Well mostly her. I'm fine with moving on and I kind of have. It's just that sometimes, I think of her and how we are together and it's so perfect. But she's 2800 miles away and I can't make that kind of commitment again.
Girl 2. I don't know her that well, but I want to. It's like something that comes out of a movie. She's cute and I see her at a coffeeshop that I frequent when I'm waiting for classes. A coffeeshop. Now I just need to ask her out and she'll fall in love with me. We'll have an argument, but everything will work out and we'll be together forever. Or how the presumed movie would dictate. She's cute and I kind of want to ask her out. Who knows if I will. I still want to go to the tattoo convention though.
Ok, my plate of suitors is quite full. As of right now, I feel like the best solution is to be alone. Who knows. Things never work out the way that I plan.
And then there's boys. There's always boys. Well. I (happily) broke up with my ex. It was. just. So tiring and useless. He wasn't trying and that made me not try. It just wasn't working. Major props to those in LDR. It's insane. Now then. New guys.
Guy 1. He is cute, amazing, so talented and I fancy him quite a lot. He's a silent badass that's so smart and I just am so interested in him. The thing is we don't talk often and that just makes me wonder if he cares or not. Am I annoying him? Does he care? Why won't he talk to me? Silly useless things to think about. I'm just so idiotic.
Guy 2. I flirted with him before, but it just didn't work out. I told him and he got really hurt. And I truly feel bad because I did it in a way that was I guess shady. Our relationship was patched up and he texted me last night that he wanted to talk. Ok. I am. Never good with talks. I should never be prompted to "talk". You just have to do it spontaneously or just don't tell me that you want to "talk". It freaks me out and I get scared and I will assure you that I will cry. Confrontations have never worked well for me. I always end up shedding a tear or two. It hurts and I don't want to do it. But I do and I wish I never have to ever again. I am a horrible bearer of bad news. I just hate having to "talk". Especially when Guy 2 specifically said that he never wanted to talk about it again. That's a little hypocritical to say you want to talk about it at your convenience. It's not like I was ever going to talk about it either though. So whatever. I just don't know what he wants to talk about and Anna's too busy with. Well. Other things that I feel like she won't care about anything I'm saying.
Guy 3. I have no intention whatsoever of ever dating this guy. He is overly touchy, needy, and just a terrible person. He asked me for help in physics which I agree to when I find out that he's never had a shred of physics in his background at all. I pitied the guy. He was struggling and I wanted to help. But he had no interest in learning at all. He pleaded for help, but he would cross my boundaries and just make me so uncomfortable. I think I'm done with talking to him. I really don't want to associate myself with him and I should tell him. I'm sure he gets the idea though because I'm just a cold hearted asshole. Matters not. He just makes me so uncomfortable.
Guy 4. Also have no intention whatsoever of dating him. I know him through band, but I haven't seen him at the past few basketball games, so that's like a relief to me. I don't want to see him. He's not a bad person, but I feel like he just keeps flirting with me and constantly brushes his arm across mine. It's gr8. Not really. I don't want to deal with other guys. Especially since this guy as no intention of anything serious.
Guy 5. I don't think he's interested in me, but we've been talking a bit more. He's cool, but still I have no intention on dating him or anything.
Guy 6. Is a great asshole. He was my (shameful) hook-up and he had a girlfriend. He. Got. Her. Pregnant. That. You don't. You knew. She is due soon. What is your problem. Where are your morals. That. I am never going to talk to him again.
Girl 1. Ah yes. Girls. We're not together, but we depend on each other a lot. We could carry on with our lives, but still think the other is significant. I feel that we should stop charming each other so that we could go our separate ways. Well mostly her. I'm fine with moving on and I kind of have. It's just that sometimes, I think of her and how we are together and it's so perfect. But she's 2800 miles away and I can't make that kind of commitment again.
Girl 2. I don't know her that well, but I want to. It's like something that comes out of a movie. She's cute and I see her at a coffeeshop that I frequent when I'm waiting for classes. A coffeeshop. Now I just need to ask her out and she'll fall in love with me. We'll have an argument, but everything will work out and we'll be together forever. Or how the presumed movie would dictate. She's cute and I kind of want to ask her out. Who knows if I will. I still want to go to the tattoo convention though.
Ok, my plate of suitors is quite full. As of right now, I feel like the best solution is to be alone. Who knows. Things never work out the way that I plan.
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