Words

A Thousand Splendid Suns
This is what it means to be a woman in this world.
Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman.
God's words will never betray you, my girl.
Only one skill. And it is this: tahamul. Endure.
You're afraid, Nana. You're afraid that I might find the happiness you never had. And you don't want me to be happy. You don't want a good life for me. You're the one with the wretched heart.
I guess some people can't be dead enough.
One could not could the moons that shimmer on her roofs or the thousand suns that hide behind her walls.

And the Mountains Echoed
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoings or rightdoings, there is a field. I'll meet you there.
You know nothing of courage. For courage, there must be something at stake. I have come here with nothing to lose.
When you have lived as long as I have, you find that cruelty and benevolence are but shades of the same color.
Nothing good came free. Even love. You paid for all things. And if you were poor, suffering was your currency.
A story is like a moving train: no matter where you hop onboard, you are bound to reach your destination sooner or later.
I suspect the truth is that we are all waiting, all of us, against unsurmountable odds, for something extraordinary to happen to us.
They say find a purpose in your life and live it. But, sometimes, it is only after you have lived that you recognize your life had a purpose, and likely one you never had in mind.
Creating means vandalizing the lives of other people, turning them into unwilling and unwitting participants. You steal their desires, their dreams, pocket their flaws, their suffering. You take what does not belong to you. You do this knowingly.
Beauty is an enormous unmerited gift given randomly, stupidly.

A lot has happened.

It's been. An extremely long time since I wrote something. I usually wrote about major things that happen to me, but recently I haven't. I mean terrible things still happen and I have no idea what to do about it, but I just don't want to complain anymore. Maybe to myself, but not to others. If it doesn't annoy other people, it certainly pisses me off. Last post was October 20, 2014. Now it's Feb 6, 2015. A lot has happened. The year has ended and started anew. Winter break was... In a way eye opening. I saw my friends and family: the people who mattered. Parting was less difficult, but the social that I had with my group hurt a little. The realization that I'm not going to be home in the confines of my friends from back home made me the saddest person. Tears would well up in my eyes as I looked over at every face that was in the tiny room. I was going to miss this. I love all my friends and they contributed to such a large part of my life. And after this upcoming summer, I'm not going to see them again for an extremely long time. The thought of not knowing when the next time I go home is .. depressing. It's not like I don't like it here. I love it here; I'm having a great time in my winter term. Generally speaking of course.
And then there's boys. There's always boys. Well. I (happily) broke up with my ex. It was. just. So tiring and useless. He wasn't trying and that made me not try. It just wasn't working. Major props to those in LDR. It's insane. Now then. New guys.
Guy 1. He is cute, amazing, so talented and I fancy him quite a lot.  He's a silent badass that's so smart and I just am so interested in him. The thing is we don't talk often and that just makes me wonder if he cares or not. Am I annoying him? Does he care? Why won't he talk to me? Silly useless things to think about. I'm just so idiotic.
Guy 2. I flirted with him before, but it just didn't work out. I told him and he got really hurt. And I truly feel bad because I did it in a way that was I guess shady. Our relationship was patched up and he texted me last night that he wanted to talk. Ok. I am. Never good with talks. I should never be prompted to "talk". You just have to do it spontaneously or just don't tell me that you want to "talk". It freaks me out and I get scared and I will assure you that I will cry. Confrontations have never worked well for me. I always end up shedding a tear or two. It hurts and I don't want to do it. But I do and I wish I never have to ever again. I am a horrible bearer of bad news. I just hate having to "talk". Especially when Guy 2 specifically said that he never wanted to talk about it again. That's a little hypocritical to say you want to talk about it at your convenience. It's not like I was ever going to talk about it either though. So whatever. I just don't know what he wants to talk about and Anna's too busy with. Well. Other things that I feel like she won't care about anything I'm saying.
Guy 3. I have no intention whatsoever of ever dating this guy. He is overly touchy, needy, and just a terrible person. He asked me for help in physics which I agree to when I find out that he's never had a shred of physics in his background at all. I pitied the guy. He was struggling and I wanted to help. But he had no interest in learning at all. He pleaded for help, but he would cross my boundaries and just make me so uncomfortable. I think I'm done with talking to him. I really don't want to associate myself with him and I should tell him. I'm sure he gets the idea though because I'm just a cold hearted asshole. Matters not. He just makes me so uncomfortable.
Guy 4. Also have no intention whatsoever of dating him. I know him through band, but I haven't seen him at the past few basketball games, so that's like a relief to me. I don't want to see him. He's not a bad person, but I feel like he just keeps flirting with me and constantly brushes his arm across mine. It's gr8. Not really. I don't want to deal with other guys. Especially since this guy as no intention of anything serious.
Guy 5. I don't think he's interested in me, but we've been talking a bit more. He's cool, but still I have no intention on dating him or anything.
Guy 6. Is a great asshole. He was my (shameful) hook-up and he had a girlfriend. He. Got. Her. Pregnant. That. You don't. You knew. She is due soon. What is your problem. Where are your morals. That. I am never going to talk to him again.
Girl 1. Ah yes. Girls. We're not together, but we depend on each other a lot. We could carry on with our lives, but still think the other is significant. I feel that we should stop charming each other so that we could go our separate ways. Well mostly her. I'm fine with moving on and I kind of have. It's just that sometimes, I think of her and how we are together and it's so perfect. But she's 2800 miles away and I can't make that kind of commitment again.
Girl 2. I don't know her that well, but I want to. It's like something that comes out of a movie. She's cute and I see her at a coffeeshop that I frequent when I'm waiting for classes. A coffeeshop. Now I just need to ask her out and she'll fall in love with me. We'll have an argument, but everything will work out and we'll be together forever. Or how the presumed movie would dictate. She's cute and I kind of want to ask her out. Who knows if I will. I still want to go to the tattoo convention though.

Ok, my plate of suitors is quite full. As of right now, I feel like the best solution is to be alone. Who knows. Things never work out the way that I plan.

ugh.

THOUSANDS OF FUCKING MILES AWAY AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO PISS THE FUCK OUT OF ME. FUCK THE HELL OFF, THIS IS WHY I LEFT. GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYING. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO WHATEVER I WANT TO. LET ME MAKE MY OWN FUCKING MISTAKES AND YOU CAN SIT ON THE SIDE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AND IF I DON'T THEN I'LL ASK. I DIDN'T ASK ANYTHING ABOUT THAT SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I hate being forgotten.

You know. i'm not asking for you to spend all your damn fucking time with me. I just want to be able to talk to you sometimes. You're in class and I respect that. But the damn moment you get home you're just sleeping. by the time you wake up, i'm done for the day. When do i ever get to have a moment with you? Other than the nights when i'm in bed and you're doing something else. I can barely have a conversation with you anymore because I don't know what to say to you and apparently I'd have to schedule an appointment just to talk to you. Am I going crazy or do all my relationships end in the other person ignoring me? Because I really don't know anymore. I thought that I could talk to you without boundaries. You told me that I could talk to you anytime. Well you weren't there. You rarely are anymore and you fail to see that. Of course I understand that you're over there and you want to move on and hang out with your friends because why the fuck not right? It just bothers me that there's not a moment you stop to think about me when I think about you all the time. You always said that I'm not as open anymore. How's this for being open. I hate being forgotten. I hate creating bonds with other people that I would learn to love and laugh with when I know that eventually they'll all leave me. I hate being alone and being thousands of miles away in a city where I haven't known anyone for more than a month, 'alone' is basically what I always feel. Hey doesn't this sound fucking familiar? Something you told me all the time. How you needed me and I would swoop down and come to your rescue. Where are you? Where are you when I need you? When I just need someone to listen to me and bear with my sadness because it's hard being alone. All I'm asking for is to just be any part of your life right now. Because somehow we had the past figured out and the future planned, but completely missed the present.

Where did Kristen go?

Drexel University.
Today is the completion of my first week of school. Classes were moderately easy for now. Moving on to more important things.

I feel like I don't fit in. I haven't found my group yet or something. I do have friends but I'm not as comfortable with them as I am with my friends back home. I feel inferior because of social status and academic status. Probably even looks and personality too because I feel sub par. I find myself wanting to be like everyone else that if this continues I'm going to look back and wonder "Where did Kristen go?" and I don't want that. I want to be myself, but it's just so hard when there's no one with a similar background to stand by you.

never mind and goodbye.

I feel like I'm missing out. This distance between us and the need to strive forward in our own lives makes it so much harder. I don't get to talk to you much anymore. Other people get to see you and talk to you and hang out with you. And it's not fair. I wish I could hold you and hug you. Even hear your voice without the knowing fuzz from a cell phone. I don't know. It's what's expected I guess. I'm just jealous and probably paranoid so never mind and goodbye.

I don't know what to do anymore.

i can't stop crying. Nothing makes me feel better. I'm better off dead.
This whole day, i have just been contemplating the various ways i could use to kill myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is just so much simpler when you don't do anything.

because of you, i hate myself. because of what you say, i hate myself and everything about me.

you really piss me off sometimes.

ugh you really piss me off. am i not allowed to be annoyed every once in a while. i honestly think that it's not fair. it's not fair that you get to talk to me on your every whim. this was the same in my first relationship. and it's not fair that i have to sit back and wait for you to just notice me. ok sure you enjoy my company but you'd obviously prefer youtube over anything. asshole. you really piss me off sometimes.

I HAVE NEVER NEEDED YOU.

GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID. YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I FUCKING HATE YOU. NEXT TIME. DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME. DON'T PROMISE ME ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU NEVER KEEP YOUR WORD FOR SHIT. YOU ARE SO STUPID. SHE GETS IT FROM YOU TOO, YOU MOTHER FUCKING DUMB PIECE OF SHIT. YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. GOD. WHY CAN'T YOU ALL GO THE FUCK AWAY. YOU'VE BE AT YOUR HANDS AND FEET FOR HER. TEND TO HER EVERY NEED LIKE SHE'S A MOTHER FUCKING TWO YEAR OLD. NO. GROW THE FUCK UP OK. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE. AND I HAVE NEEDS TOO. SO YOU KNOW WHAT. FUCK YOU. FUCK. FINE. I DON'T NEED YOU. I HAVE NEVER NEEDED YOU.

You can never get it back.

Honestly, I don't deserve anything. I'm selfish and I always want more. I move forward at the expense of others and I shouldn't do that anymore. I shouldn't do anything anymore. I try to be happy with what I have but I break it.

Happiness is a vicious emotion. It tricks you into thinking that things are better and it'll stay like that. In actuality, happiness is a veil that varies for everyone. It could blind one and leave them thinking that life is great and perfect. Happiness could be a torn up sheet that shields your eyes, but only sometimes. The moment you shift your position or even make a slight adjustment, it falls and horror strikes you from all around. The real world is shown and you want to reach over and grab your happiness back but it's too late. It's fallen and slipped from your grasp. You can never get it back.

Remember that day? I'm sorry about that. There was so much running through my mind. Everything and all my problems were bombarding against my mind and I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to get away. Everything was tearing my mind apart and I just wanted to leave and be done with everything. I'm sorry that you got dragged into my life because you really don't need to take part in anything that I do. I'm sorry that I have a miserable life and that you're with me. I'm sorry that my actions are so stupid and I'm so impossible.

Most of all I'm sorry for being here. What would happen if I wasn't? Everyone would be happy. Things would carry on. The world forgets. You would forget.

Run down buildings with chipped paint and empty lots.

sorry, i really don't want to see anyone at all anymore. I'm so tired of talking to people and pasting on a smile in front of others. I'm so tired of pretending to be happy sometimes taht when i'm actually happy, it's such a foreign feeling and I do everything i can to push it away from me. Because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything i get or receive. i'm just so worthless. I shouldn't even live. all i do is fuck up. i mess up my relationships. i mess up other people's relationships. i mess up my life. i mess up other people's lives. what use am i when all i do is mess up.

i don't know. i'm just really useless. i can't make anyone happy. i can't even make myself happy. things rarely go my way. even though there might be a few times when things go my way, everything just crashes and implodes and i'd have to rebuild my self esteem and self respect up again. i don't want to anymore. i'm so tired of building and rebuilding all for naught. what's the point if everything falls apart again... why should i keep on trying. why even bother living. yea. there's. just.. nothing. 

the darkness presses against me. my foot inches downward on the gas pedal and i accelerate past the run down buildings with chipped paint and empty lots. hot salty tears roll down my cheeks and i make no effort to wipe them away because i know that if i reach up to press my palm against my eyes, more tears would squeeze through and fall even harder. one hand glued to the shift knob and the other to the top of the wheel. a tiny jerk. left. right. either way might be my last. my eyes close ever so slightly as if to take in my surrounding: the middle of a run down gang ridden city with no cars, no pedestrians, no witnesses. my eyes flutter awake and land on the orange lit digital clock along the dashboard. The time stops before midnight and I've run out of time. 

fuck you.

fuck you. god i fucking hate you so fucking much right now. what right do you have to twist my feelings like this. i don't fucking understand. i'm here for you. i don't just try to make you pour your heart and soul to me. i tell you my shit too. who are you to break this bond. i open up to you. i tell you anything and everything from my best to my worst. the least you can do is have the fucking courtesy of not being friends with me in the first place if you didn't want to tell me shit. you're scared of not having people there for you, but you're the one that won't reach out. you're fine with supporting others, but one day you're going to break and i want to be the one to be there for you. but you know. fuck you. you won't even trust me with the simplest of issues. treated the same as every fucking one else.

YOU KNOW
THESE TEARS THAT FALL FROM MY EYES SHOULD BE JOYOUS TEARS FROM LAUGHTER AND SMILES. BUT NO. FUCK YOU. I'M HERE THINKING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING BITCH ASS. HERE THINKING ABOUT WHY THE FUCK YOU DON'T FUCKING TRUST ME. WHY YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

GOD.
I KNOW YOU CAN READ THIS.
WHEN YOU DO
KNOW THAT I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF
I FUCKING HATE YOU
BUT I DON'T
WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME
FUCK
GO FUCK YOURSELF
I FUCKING HATE YOU. FUCK YOU.

Brian Anderson

Memories of him came and distorted my mind, ruined my thoughts. My eyes landed on a quaint wooden picture frame that laid on the ground enclosing an old yellowing photo of a young couple in their twenties. I stared few seconds longer, almost imprinting the lines of the two in my mind and recalling the effervescent laughter that filled my ears. I closed my eyes and reminisced the sweltering summer days that we spent together. Fingers intertwined with the heat pressing against us, we would stroll into town with smiles on our faces and laughter bubbling up in between words. I would occasionally look up at him and he would turn to me. My eyes would scan over his countenance and I would see his dark brown hair slightly overgrown but pushed aside away from his dark brown eyes. Flashing a crooked smirk, his hand held my hand tighter and my heart fluttered. Our feet knew just where to lead us and when we reached the--
I stopped myself before the tears fell. I opened my eyes and stared up at the sky to stop the tears that signified my weakness. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again: recall memories that had ended years ago, think of him when he was so far away from my reach, fall into a phase of nostalgia. Just for a moment though I felt young again. My hands now covered with wrinkles and spots rose to fold over my lap as I stared off to the side at a nearby family of four. I sat for a few moments longer under the shade of a strong oak tree and heard a voice calling my name. I looked over my shoulder to find my young granddaughter calling me. With great effort and the help of my cane I stood, my eyes fell to the words engraved on a slab of polished stone "Brian Anderson, Beloved Son and Husband April 11, 1920 - March 24, 1944". My throat was choked with tears, still I managed to murmur ever so softly, "Goodbye, my love," as I turned to depart. 

I would.

By the time  I graduate, I'm going to be in about $100,000 in debt. That's a lot. A. Lot. Can I handle the incredible guilt that's going to hang over me as I venture through college? It's an investment right? That's what I keep telling myself. Maybe I shouldn't do it. Maybe..
She didn't do it. She was always talking about how she wanted to move and whatever. But she backed out. Got cold feet I guess as said by my other friend. I'm just so shocked though. She was looking forward to leaving this god forsaken place since, I don't know, sophomore year. And now she has the opportunity to go just about anywhere she wants to including her dream college. Why doesn't she take that chance? I would.

On another note.
You have really got to get your shit together. No more being lazy. No more sleeping the entire day away. No more. Starting to piss myself off. Go study calc, Or physics. or bio. something productive. you're not even caught up with your reading. You're probably like 200 pages behind. How dare you. Just five weeks left.
APR tomorrow.