Work = Force x Distance

Work
Work
Work
Work
Study
Study
Study
Study
Work
Work
Work
Work
Cry
Cry
Cry
Cry
Work
Work
Work
Work

Don't stop working.

I just don't fucking understand.

EVERYBODY wants to fucking piss me off.
Everyone just has to fucking choose TODAY to piss me the fuck off. I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW STUPID YOU CAN POSSIBLY BE.

You're making your significant other choose between the two things that he loves, you and track. Do you even realize what you're doing to him? You need to calm the fuck down and stop being so fucking goddamn selfish. Learn to be tolerant or understanding. He isn't a superhuman and he's not capable of doing anything on your goddamn whim. He has his own fucking things to do and if you can't fucking handle that, then you obviously are too blind and self-centered to realize the choice that would have quelled an entire argument about the stupidest thing ever. He can't spend  every goddamn moment waiting on you, holding your fucking hand, and carrying your ego around like a fucking princess, and you just have to deal with that. BUT SINCE YOU FUCKING CAN'T, YOU GUYS BROKE UP OVER THE STUPIDEST REASON, AND IT'S YOU'RE FUCKING FAULT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO WEAK TO GO ON WITHOUT HIM.
YOU SHOULD BE STRONGER. SHOULDN'T NEED A FUCKING GUY TO DEFINE WHO YOU ARE OR SET A FUCKING STANDARD AS TO HOW PEOPLE SEE YOU. YOU DON'T NEED TO FUCKING CLING ONTO HIM LIKE HE'S YOUR CANE AS YOU TRY TO WALK DOWN A PATH WITH ONE LEG. I AM PRETTY SURE GOD HAS BLESSED YOUR SORRY EXCUSE OF A EXISTENCE WITH TWO LEGS. USE THEM, YOU MOTHER FUCKER. WALK BY YOURSELF.

UGH WASN'T EVEN THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT PISSED ME OFF TODAY.
FUCKING DUMB ASS MS C. You always bash on the trumpet section, but seriously, what the goddamn fuck. Who was the one that let their sorry excuse of a trumpet player in the fucking band in the first place. YOU BASH ON THEM TIME AFTER TIME, YEAR AFTER YEAR, BUT YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THE GROWTH OF STUPIDITY IN THE BAND BY REGULATING THE SIZE AND SETTING STANDARDS AND REQUIREMENTS.
I just don't fucking understand. I just don't.

I'm just so sorry.

Every limped step that you take

Every pained look that flashes on your face

Every spaced out gaze that you get

scares me. 

Because I don't know

What's going to happen

What I need to do

What is expected of me.

I wish I could just

Understand the cancerous

Pain that leeches onto you
The viscous poison that
Grabs a hold of
Your precious lungs
Or if I could
Read the 

Soothing words or 

Calming phrases from out 

Of your mind

Help you move along.

But I can't.

Not when my

Words

Clash and Destroy

Yours.

Not when the distance

Is widening 

Rather than closing.

Not when 

Your pain 

And suffering

And age

Exceed mine.

I thought that 

Everything would
Be fine

That I could

Just close my

Eyes to everything and

It could disappear.

It didn't.

Like a vicious 

Detrimental patch of bacteria

Or 

A outbreak of a plague

Or

A spread of a virus

It didn't get better.

I wish this 

Never happened.

That age and time

Only existed

In our minds

And that

We could rebirth 

Ourselves again 

And again

And again

And again.

But life's not fair.
Over and 

Over and

Over again

You wish 

That something would

Shine your way, 

But the sun rises

From the east

And sets in the west

As you lay

Six feet under.

Death brings

A family closer,

Does it not?

No.
I've never felt
So far away from
You as
I do
Now.

I'm

Just

So 

Sorry.

I wish I could do more.
I wish I could explain 

To you how I feel
What I want to convey

How much I care for you

How much you mean to me.

But I can't.

Fuck language barriers.

Being the best

I don't understand where my motivation went. I'm so tired or distracted or lazy or something. I'm slacking on homework and I know it and I just hate it so much because I want to be better. I don't to be average. I want to be the best I can be. Obviously, I'm not going to because I'm just to stupid.
Ugh.

The first.
The first of many things.

Am I happy?

New relationship, new person, new journeys, and all.
Am I happy?
I'd like to think so. Maybe I was just tired of being treated like shit and this upgrade, no matter how slight, feels heavenly.
I don't know what I want anymore. I just want to live life. Whatever happens, happens. I think i'm strong enough to fight through it.

My Demons

Fuzzy lights bring me back the the surface; I can't even begin to fathom why I should be coming back, but I just focus on the fact that it hurts. Everything, my body, my head, my life is hysterical, crying in pain and sadness. Crying because of the one who left me alone on the street, because I was left to die, because every passing person didn't glance long enough to notice the dark bodily shape curled on the ground. Crying because I had made the worst choice of my life, because I had chosen to live in fear and frustration and sorrow, because I gave in to the demons inside of me.

I hear them now, the demons, the humming of their voices grow louder and louder and pulsates inside of me like the bass turned up on high. I want to run, run far far away from the voices, from everyone, from myself. But I can't, they entice me, they seduce me, they take away my will and force me to do their bidding, force me to draw a contract with the devil and become an eternal slave in his name. I so desperately try to jerk myself from their influence, but they have already tainted me.

I think back to my dreams, so innocent, so pure. Where did they go? The dream that I would grow up and get married and live happily ever after where I was jubilant and joyous. The dream that surrounded me in love and tranquility, that brought me safety from life's adversities. Why do I find myself in the gutter crying, bleeding, dying? What has come so that I, one that almost had everything, have come to lose everything.

The demonic voices rain on me and the pain that I feel explodes, ten-fold. I have to make a choice: Shall I live eternally as a slave, or shall I end the suffering and become one with nothingness. My weak will, my swayed emotions, my blind teary eyes, my infinite screams, my desperate need for escape bewildered me and I simply couldn't ignore it any longer.

So this is the life of the enslaved. Dark and bitter. Fiery and nefarious. Is this potentially the worst decision of my meaningless life?  

Princesses

Once upon a time, there was a princess that lived in the most beautiful of all the kingdoms in the world. Harvests flourished, the people fat and jolly, everything was simply perfect-- Except for the princess. The lavish princess clothed in the most expensive silks, donned with the most beautiful accessories walked through the kingdom by her lonesome self and discovered her dead lover, a poor servant boy, a mere commoner, sprawled across the kingdom hall ripped to shreds by swords and maces. The exuberant decor of the walls, floors, ceilings, everything, clashed with the torn rags stained with dirt and crimson. The poor girl, she held back her screams and choked on her tears because her affairs and relationship with the dead boy couldn't be rumored about by the public, the court, her father. She allowed herself one last embrace and then stepped away from the corpse to return to her chambers. Sitting quietly, she thought of him and the dark hole that tore into her heart. She knew that she couldn't live without him; everything she saw reminded her of him: the dark shadowy curtains which resembled his luscious locks of hair, the disheveled bed which signified her infidelity, and his scent that she concocted in her mind seemed to invoke memories that she so dearly cherished. She knew that she did not have long, not without him.
Turning her head, she laid her eyes on the window that revealed the endless blue sky, the green hills, the hearty villagers. She pushed the window open and leaned out when a swooping sparrow caught her eye. Her eyes followed its path and  then she reached an arm towards  the bird. She wasn't close enough, so she continued to lean forward even more.
Then a rush of air pushed against her body; she closed her eyes and released both her arms. She was flying, flying into the arms of her love.

Him

Together, his arm wrapped around my waist, my head resting on his chest, I felt closer to him more than I have anybody. The mundane movie that we watched progressed on and on, but all I could think about was him. His warmth fueled my happiness and I couldn't let go-- I had already grown addicted. My once icy and dreary heart melted in his presence and he was the one to supply the fiery flames to keep me moving. Every glance that I stole from him, I felt a grin betray my stoicism. I scolded myself for letting my emotions overwhelm me, but secretly I was overjoyed that he lay next to me even if it was just for one day.
To my despair, the day drew to a close, he was on his way, and I returned to my lonesome self. However new days bring new journeys and maybe, if I believe, he could be my companion to tackle life's quests.

The Birds

The sun shines so radiantly, shines down on me.
I bathe in its warmth and in that short moment, I know what elation feels like.
The brilliant rays wash away my fears, wash away my tears.
I am whole again.
I tilt my head back and speculate the endless blue that blankets the world.
I close my eyes and imagine what it feels like to be a
Bird flying in the air without a care for the world,
without a single string of stress,
without the weight of society.

A joy, it seems.
To feel the wind splash over my body,
Adrenaline coursing through my veins,
I can almost imagine it now. I look down at the colorful ants--
Oh how I wish to join them--
And I begin to lean forward.

Forward.
Forward.
And I fall.

Fall like a meaningless leaf from an autumn tree,
Fall into oblivion.
I close my eyes and it draws me to my
 recurrent dreams and I am flying,
flying like a bird that I have long envied.
My arms extend and I feel the relentless wind
pushing me up and gravity
pulling me down.
A faint smile tugs at my lips;
I've never felt better.

Time

Time lingers with you for a brief moment,
Like a piece of bittersweet chocolate in your mouth.
You try to savor the flavor,
The moment,
The present,
But it inevitably vanishes.

Time disappears like a card in a magic trick.
You know it goes somewhere, but as
The audience,
The target,
The victim,
You're never quite sure where it ends up.

Time horrifies you like a silent creeping darkness
That surrounds you, suffocates you.
You try to pull at it in desperation,
But your pathetic, clawing fingers grasp at nothing.

Time ages you like the wind.
It envelops your body then pushes through
Leaving nothing but old memories.
You hopelessly run from it,
Hide from it,
Panting with each step,
Darting your strained eyes left and right,
But it is always faster, quicker, stealthier.

When time has consumed your entirety,
when time has reached the finish line,
when time has contracted a sorrowful aura of anguish and dread and gloom
That washes over you,
You shouldn't fight it.

The only thing you can do is let it devour you.

Dressing in all black

Dinner theater earlier! It was pretty fun. Made a lot of jokes with Mora and I kissed xuan on the cheek to make arthur jealous, hehe.
I had no idea what to wear, so i chose the easiest solution: Dressing in all black. I thought I looked pretty good for once ! LOL <3

1660

I cried. I cried so hard. The slightest mention of it and I started to tear up. Why....

Studying. More and more. For what.

Nothing. 

I'm tired.

Still studying.

So tired.. 

Specialty.

Hurting people's feelings. It's my specialty. 

Maybe I should showcase this fact on my forehead so that people would know beforehand and I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for being so stupid and heartless. 

I should change for the worse so people wouldn't be so close to me. 

Maybe.

Well then..

If I piss you off, I'm sorry. You could just say so.
Well then, I'm just going to.. mope and wonder why everything sucks.
ugh.

February 8, 2013

Walt Disney Concert Hall
It was pretty damn nice. What I didn't like was the stupid "play". I'd rather just listen to the music.
Gorgeous.

Basketball Game-- Alhambra Moors
I went completely crazy with my friend Natalie. I don't know where the energy came from, but it was a relief to know that I can still have "fun".

I liked that day. It was nice.
One day among the few.

Dreams. Oh, how they terrify me.

Woke up in the middle of the night from a nice dream. Talking to my friend about something, nothing important, but I know I was happy, haha.

Drifted back to sleep and I contracted the worst nightmare I've had in ages. No, this wasn't the heart pounding, cold sweat kind of dream. It was a dream of choices, and I'll never know if I made the right choice.

It was night time. i was at home with my sister, and cousins eating dinner. My mom comes in and for some reason she's hysterical and violent as she wields knives in her hands. As a defense mechanism, my sister grabs some knives as well and begins to fight my mom. I stand there, just watching everything. I grabbed some knives as well in case my sister fell, so I could jump in prepared. She did, so I was now fighting my mom. I 'defeated' her easily, but it was as if she let me. Every stab or slice I tried seemed to just slide off; Nothing worked, but she fell anyways. She seemed to have gotten her sense back..  With arms pinned behind her back, I told my cousin to get some rope so I could tie her up. After, we took her to the car. I told my sister to drive. As a last 'goodbye' my mom hugged my sister and my aunt. She just walked past me, got in the car and told my aunt to sit next to her so she wouldn't sit next to me. My sister drove off and I was in the back seat trying to hold my tears back.
Then I woke up.

Dreams. Oh, how they terrify me. I never liked dreams, good or bad.
This isn't a good way to start off the new year..

Where does the time go..

I'm at a lost with my memories. I can't remember anything that happens anymore. Little bits and pieces are jumbled and I don't know how to sort it back. How can I be so sure that some things happened in the first place. The time has passed and it won't happen again, but where does the time go..
I'm just tired of not remembering.

What do I do ?!

I haven't had a bloody nose in years. What do I do? LOL. 

JUST GOING TO IGNORE IT............ boo

bah, where's my bag of motivation to get me through homework.

109 YARD RUN. YEEEEEEEEEEA.

ravens. WHOOOOOOOOOOOO.

On My Own.

And I know.. That it's only in my mind. That I'm talking to myself, and not to him.

Without him, the world around my changes.. The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers..

A world that's full of happiness that I have never known.

I love him.. But only on my own...

Ugh.

When people make you feel worthless, what's the point.. really. ugh.

Traumatic.

Driving one friend home? No prob, I got that shit.
Driving four friends home that are crazy and hilarious? I'm going to die.

So traumatic. My friends are all crazy, why did I agree to drive them home? LOL.