ugh.

THOUSANDS OF FUCKING MILES AWAY AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO PISS THE FUCK OUT OF ME. FUCK THE HELL OFF, THIS IS WHY I LEFT. GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYING. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO WHATEVER I WANT TO. LET ME MAKE MY OWN FUCKING MISTAKES AND YOU CAN SIT ON THE SIDE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AND IF I DON'T THEN I'LL ASK. I DIDN'T ASK ANYTHING ABOUT THAT SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I hate being forgotten.

You know. i'm not asking for you to spend all your damn fucking time with me. I just want to be able to talk to you sometimes. You're in class and I respect that. But the damn moment you get home you're just sleeping. by the time you wake up, i'm done for the day. When do i ever get to have a moment with you? Other than the nights when i'm in bed and you're doing something else. I can barely have a conversation with you anymore because I don't know what to say to you and apparently I'd have to schedule an appointment just to talk to you. Am I going crazy or do all my relationships end in the other person ignoring me? Because I really don't know anymore. I thought that I could talk to you without boundaries. You told me that I could talk to you anytime. Well you weren't there. You rarely are anymore and you fail to see that. Of course I understand that you're over there and you want to move on and hang out with your friends because why the fuck not right? It just bothers me that there's not a moment you stop to think about me when I think about you all the time. You always said that I'm not as open anymore. How's this for being open. I hate being forgotten. I hate creating bonds with other people that I would learn to love and laugh with when I know that eventually they'll all leave me. I hate being alone and being thousands of miles away in a city where I haven't known anyone for more than a month, 'alone' is basically what I always feel. Hey doesn't this sound fucking familiar? Something you told me all the time. How you needed me and I would swoop down and come to your rescue. Where are you? Where are you when I need you? When I just need someone to listen to me and bear with my sadness because it's hard being alone. All I'm asking for is to just be any part of your life right now. Because somehow we had the past figured out and the future planned, but completely missed the present.

Where did Kristen go?

Drexel University.
Today is the completion of my first week of school. Classes were moderately easy for now. Moving on to more important things.

I feel like I don't fit in. I haven't found my group yet or something. I do have friends but I'm not as comfortable with them as I am with my friends back home. I feel inferior because of social status and academic status. Probably even looks and personality too because I feel sub par. I find myself wanting to be like everyone else that if this continues I'm going to look back and wonder "Where did Kristen go?" and I don't want that. I want to be myself, but it's just so hard when there's no one with a similar background to stand by you.

never mind and goodbye.

I feel like I'm missing out. This distance between us and the need to strive forward in our own lives makes it so much harder. I don't get to talk to you much anymore. Other people get to see you and talk to you and hang out with you. And it's not fair. I wish I could hold you and hug you. Even hear your voice without the knowing fuzz from a cell phone. I don't know. It's what's expected I guess. I'm just jealous and probably paranoid so never mind and goodbye.

I don't know what to do anymore.

i can't stop crying. Nothing makes me feel better. I'm better off dead.
This whole day, i have just been contemplating the various ways i could use to kill myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is just so much simpler when you don't do anything.

because of you, i hate myself. because of what you say, i hate myself and everything about me.

you really piss me off sometimes.

ugh you really piss me off. am i not allowed to be annoyed every once in a while. i honestly think that it's not fair. it's not fair that you get to talk to me on your every whim. this was the same in my first relationship. and it's not fair that i have to sit back and wait for you to just notice me. ok sure you enjoy my company but you'd obviously prefer youtube over anything. asshole. you really piss me off sometimes.

I HAVE NEVER NEEDED YOU.

GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID. YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I FUCKING HATE YOU. NEXT TIME. DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME. DON'T PROMISE ME ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU NEVER KEEP YOUR WORD FOR SHIT. YOU ARE SO STUPID. SHE GETS IT FROM YOU TOO, YOU MOTHER FUCKING DUMB PIECE OF SHIT. YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. GOD. WHY CAN'T YOU ALL GO THE FUCK AWAY. YOU'VE BE AT YOUR HANDS AND FEET FOR HER. TEND TO HER EVERY NEED LIKE SHE'S A MOTHER FUCKING TWO YEAR OLD. NO. GROW THE FUCK UP OK. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE. AND I HAVE NEEDS TOO. SO YOU KNOW WHAT. FUCK YOU. FUCK. FINE. I DON'T NEED YOU. I HAVE NEVER NEEDED YOU.

You can never get it back.

Honestly, I don't deserve anything. I'm selfish and I always want more. I move forward at the expense of others and I shouldn't do that anymore. I shouldn't do anything anymore. I try to be happy with what I have but I break it.

Happiness is a vicious emotion. It tricks you into thinking that things are better and it'll stay like that. In actuality, happiness is a veil that varies for everyone. It could blind one and leave them thinking that life is great and perfect. Happiness could be a torn up sheet that shields your eyes, but only sometimes. The moment you shift your position or even make a slight adjustment, it falls and horror strikes you from all around. The real world is shown and you want to reach over and grab your happiness back but it's too late. It's fallen and slipped from your grasp. You can never get it back.

Remember that day? I'm sorry about that. There was so much running through my mind. Everything and all my problems were bombarding against my mind and I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to get away. Everything was tearing my mind apart and I just wanted to leave and be done with everything. I'm sorry that you got dragged into my life because you really don't need to take part in anything that I do. I'm sorry that I have a miserable life and that you're with me. I'm sorry that my actions are so stupid and I'm so impossible.

Most of all I'm sorry for being here. What would happen if I wasn't? Everyone would be happy. Things would carry on. The world forgets. You would forget.

Run down buildings with chipped paint and empty lots.

sorry, i really don't want to see anyone at all anymore. I'm so tired of talking to people and pasting on a smile in front of others. I'm so tired of pretending to be happy sometimes taht when i'm actually happy, it's such a foreign feeling and I do everything i can to push it away from me. Because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything i get or receive. i'm just so worthless. I shouldn't even live. all i do is fuck up. i mess up my relationships. i mess up other people's relationships. i mess up my life. i mess up other people's lives. what use am i when all i do is mess up.

i don't know. i'm just really useless. i can't make anyone happy. i can't even make myself happy. things rarely go my way. even though there might be a few times when things go my way, everything just crashes and implodes and i'd have to rebuild my self esteem and self respect up again. i don't want to anymore. i'm so tired of building and rebuilding all for naught. what's the point if everything falls apart again... why should i keep on trying. why even bother living. yea. there's. just.. nothing. 

the darkness presses against me. my foot inches downward on the gas pedal and i accelerate past the run down buildings with chipped paint and empty lots. hot salty tears roll down my cheeks and i make no effort to wipe them away because i know that if i reach up to press my palm against my eyes, more tears would squeeze through and fall even harder. one hand glued to the shift knob and the other to the top of the wheel. a tiny jerk. left. right. either way might be my last. my eyes close ever so slightly as if to take in my surrounding: the middle of a run down gang ridden city with no cars, no pedestrians, no witnesses. my eyes flutter awake and land on the orange lit digital clock along the dashboard. The time stops before midnight and I've run out of time. 

fuck you.

fuck you. god i fucking hate you so fucking much right now. what right do you have to twist my feelings like this. i don't fucking understand. i'm here for you. i don't just try to make you pour your heart and soul to me. i tell you my shit too. who are you to break this bond. i open up to you. i tell you anything and everything from my best to my worst. the least you can do is have the fucking courtesy of not being friends with me in the first place if you didn't want to tell me shit. you're scared of not having people there for you, but you're the one that won't reach out. you're fine with supporting others, but one day you're going to break and i want to be the one to be there for you. but you know. fuck you. you won't even trust me with the simplest of issues. treated the same as every fucking one else.

YOU KNOW
THESE TEARS THAT FALL FROM MY EYES SHOULD BE JOYOUS TEARS FROM LAUGHTER AND SMILES. BUT NO. FUCK YOU. I'M HERE THINKING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING BITCH ASS. HERE THINKING ABOUT WHY THE FUCK YOU DON'T FUCKING TRUST ME. WHY YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

GOD.
I KNOW YOU CAN READ THIS.
WHEN YOU DO
KNOW THAT I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF
I FUCKING HATE YOU
BUT I DON'T
WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME
FUCK
GO FUCK YOURSELF
I FUCKING HATE YOU. FUCK YOU.

Brian Anderson

Memories of him came and distorted my mind, ruined my thoughts. My eyes landed on a quaint wooden picture frame that laid on the ground enclosing an old yellowing photo of a young couple in their twenties. I stared few seconds longer, almost imprinting the lines of the two in my mind and recalling the effervescent laughter that filled my ears. I closed my eyes and reminisced the sweltering summer days that we spent together. Fingers intertwined with the heat pressing against us, we would stroll into town with smiles on our faces and laughter bubbling up in between words. I would occasionally look up at him and he would turn to me. My eyes would scan over his countenance and I would see his dark brown hair slightly overgrown but pushed aside away from his dark brown eyes. Flashing a crooked smirk, his hand held my hand tighter and my heart fluttered. Our feet knew just where to lead us and when we reached the--
I stopped myself before the tears fell. I opened my eyes and stared up at the sky to stop the tears that signified my weakness. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again: recall memories that had ended years ago, think of him when he was so far away from my reach, fall into a phase of nostalgia. Just for a moment though I felt young again. My hands now covered with wrinkles and spots rose to fold over my lap as I stared off to the side at a nearby family of four. I sat for a few moments longer under the shade of a strong oak tree and heard a voice calling my name. I looked over my shoulder to find my young granddaughter calling me. With great effort and the help of my cane I stood, my eyes fell to the words engraved on a slab of polished stone "Brian Anderson, Beloved Son and Husband April 11, 1920 - March 24, 1944". My throat was choked with tears, still I managed to murmur ever so softly, "Goodbye, my love," as I turned to depart. 

I would.

By the time  I graduate, I'm going to be in about $100,000 in debt. That's a lot. A. Lot. Can I handle the incredible guilt that's going to hang over me as I venture through college? It's an investment right? That's what I keep telling myself. Maybe I shouldn't do it. Maybe..
She didn't do it. She was always talking about how she wanted to move and whatever. But she backed out. Got cold feet I guess as said by my other friend. I'm just so shocked though. She was looking forward to leaving this god forsaken place since, I don't know, sophomore year. And now she has the opportunity to go just about anywhere she wants to including her dream college. Why doesn't she take that chance? I would.

On another note.
You have really got to get your shit together. No more being lazy. No more sleeping the entire day away. No more. Starting to piss myself off. Go study calc, Or physics. or bio. something productive. you're not even caught up with your reading. You're probably like 200 pages behind. How dare you. Just five weeks left.
APR tomorrow.

Why do you lie to me?

What am I supposed to do? Do I give up my dreams and hopes and aspirations for your benefit? Is my purpose in life to make you happy? No, right? I have choices and opinions, right? Why can't you support me? Why am I always to blame? Honestly have I ever done anything right in your eyes? Because it seems that i'm always making the wrong choices and disappointing everyone left and right. You don't care. None of you care. Much less support me.
Every single one of you try and try and try to persuade me to cut my dreams short. Telling me the consequences my choices bring and that I should be careful.
Do not tell me how much this university costs. Do not tell me how many years it's going to take. Do not tell me that it might not work out in the end. Do not tell me how many miles away I would be. Do not tell me that I can't adjust. Do not tell me how difficult life would be. Do not tell me how lonely I would be. Do not tell me how hard life would be for you. Do not tell me that I don't know what I'm doing. But most of all, do not tell me that I'm not thinking about all this already. I've thought about this before. I still think about it and I can't believe that I'm starting to be persuaded by you.

Why.. Why do you tell me that you trust me but forget those very words when it counts? Why do you give me the false hope of telling me that you'll support me? That it's ok to make whatever decisions I want as long as I follow through with it? That no matter what I do, it's my decision and my life? Why do you lie to me?

I'm a dragon.

Drexel University Class of 2019.
The next five years will be spent in Philadelphia, PA and I can't wait. I'm so excited that I'm a little nervous.
The thing is... Is it the right choice? Should I really be going there when my family's here? I'm going to be so far away from everyone. I'm going to be all alone. Absolutely alone. NO one's going to be near me. Maggie,the nearest person that I frequent is going to be around 5 hours away. I'm isolated and I have no one. But that's part of it right? I'll make new friends. I'm not shy. I'm confident and outgoing. I am strong and independent. I will make it through my five years and come out victorious because there is no other option for me. There is no second choices nor chances to overthink. Do or die right?
I'm a dragon, bitches.

Go away

god you're so annoying i fucking wish you knew how to fucking speak and write english. oh my god i am just so tired and impatient. i really don't want to explain every little thing because it's just all so fucking dumb. you're just so fucking annoying. sorry but i am not a people person. go away. please and  thank you. i don't need your fucking side comments either ok you fucker. i'm so tired of just listening to you.

love it

Saturday March 8th, 2013 8:00PM
I can't believe I did it. How exciting. Wish it lasted longer, but it was nice nonetheless.
We still have time for more.
♥
unf love it

Time Flies by Me ...

Many many many many many things on my mind.

First off, today was the first time that I ditched school. Very first time. I've never even ditched a class before. It was nice though. I got to talk to my friend and catch up. I really enjoyed that. My day was going great.
After school ended, I made plans with other friends. It was rather confusing since it was all via text, but we managed. Grouped at a friend's house and then shifted to another friend's house. Ate at cafe spot and had lots of fun talking to them and making fun of each other.
Part of us ended up at my house and we just chilled until it was time for our band performance. My energy was still up and I was okay.
Band performance and the tour meeting after.
I think that was when my energy started to rapidly deplete. I just lost all motivation for social skills.
We decided to get drinks at Ten Ren's so that was nice. That was also the first time that I was seated in the trunk which was rather interesting.
Once we got there, I just hit rock bottom. I didn't really talk to them and I just kept to myself. I don't really know what happened. Was I just tired? I'm still not sure. One friend was rather depressed and I guess that brought my mood down a bit too. The other guys were obsessing over a new game and I just sat at the side staring aimlessly at the table. They noticed me and thought something was up, but not really. I don't think anything happened to me at least. 9 pm arrived and we decided to leave. Bill was paid, drinks were taken. I walked alone. Stoically driving everyone home, I just found solace in the radio pumping music in the background and the cold night air pressing against me. It was nice.
As the last person sat in my car, silence was eminent. He thought something happened and tried to make me laugh which is quite a simple task since I laugh at everything. He cheered me up a little, but once he left i just felt like everything crashed down again.
What am I going to do for college? How will I pay for it? What am I going to do? Why are there so many choices? What if I make the wrong one? Why do my parents always nag at me? Why won't they let me make my own choices? Why can't I make my own mistakes? Why can;t everyone just leave me alone? Why don't they see me the way that I see myself? Why am I even out with friends on a school night? Why should I even care about school? Why do I make friends? Why do I make an effort? How can someone's life be this fragile? Any decision could change a person's life forever.

Time flies by me, but I don't feel a single change in myself at all.

Ugh.

GOD STOP TALKING TO ME
I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I FUCKING HATE TALKING TO YOU
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY  FACE
YOU'RE SO GODDAMN ANNOYING
GET
THE
FUCK
OUT
OMFG
LIL BITCH
CAN'T FUCKING DO SHIT
I SWEAR
WHY
WHY ME
WHY
I'M SO DONE WITH SHIT LIKE THIS
GOD
FUCKING FRUSTRATING BITCH
UGH
FUCK YOU.

Six months and ten days

Six months and ten days. It wad nice while it lasted, really, it was. I don't know what happened and maybe in the future, I'll see that it shouldn't have happened. But it did and I am much better off.
So it turns out that I am unable to commit. That's me. I probably won't ever be able to.
Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I feel free of guilt and obligation. Right now, I'm just trying to get through my last months of high school. Making as many memories as possible with as much friends as possible.

Sorrynotsorry

Holy fucking shit what is your fucking problem? I'm trying. I really am. You think ignoring me and not talking to me is going to make me feel bad? Oh my fucking god, you have got that shit wrong. It's almost a joy to not talk to you. You're so impossible. I really don't understand. You're like that slightly irritating person that everyone has to deal with. THAT SLIGHT IRRITATION PILES UP. NOW I'M JUST VERY IRRITATED.
This shit is not healthy. But you know what? Whatever. I am going to tough it out until graduation. That is unless you pull the cord. Which would almost be blissful for me because I am so done with this.
You.
Are.
Just.
Not.
Interesting.
I mean yea, you used to be interesting and chill. Now you're obsessive and bothersome.
please.
Take.
A
Hint
and
leave.

Sorrynotsorry.

i am so tired of people

I'm getting a little tired of being pissed off all the time. Ugh. Why can't I be happy? Why does everything need to piss me off. I just feel like everything bothers me to no extent. Omg, why do I even talk to people. Holy shit, I am so tired of people.

How annoying

holy shit i don't want to deal with you omg you're kind of dumb. You're pissed? the fuck did i do omg. how annoying. -_--
god jesus fuckin
ugh
-_- i'm so fuckin done
like
just
leave me the fuck alone
please
you're so
ugh
needy

passed the honeymoon stage yo. please get over yourself. i'm not going to wait on you hand and foot. holy shit. get a slave if you really wanted someone to. that's not me. holy fuck please.

faded bitch

When I daydream or just look off into the distance, that doesn't fucking make me faded or high. I fucking hate when you say shit like that. It's offensive to me to even be associated with people that are actually faded or high. Sure you're fucking with people that get high, but I'm not. Dont treat me like someone that enjoys that shit.

Pet Peeve #7

When you try to use big words.
When you don't even know how to use simple words.
Holy shit, get an education.

I can just feel myself dying...

Your stories bore me... Sure, I love you, but... omg please learn how to tell stories. Decide which ones are good and which aren't. Seriously, I can just feel myself dying because I expect too much. I don't know. The smallest things could be boring, but tell it with excitement and interest at least, holy shit. You make dying of boredom possible..

quick thoughts

In a dark world such as the one we live in, how do we prosper? With no motivation nor active pursuit, what can be gained? Late night quick thoughts of how insignificant most people are.