1720

I still feel like crying.

I'm straddled at the bottom of a wall-- a wall of expectations. Sometimes, I'm proud that I've moved up a step or two, but the overwhelming pressure of something more than just gravity shoves me down because it can't bear to see me succeed.

I'm tired of falling and slipping off the wall.

Black and blue all over, I don't think climbing is my thing.

So I like to talk to myself.

U of M
Cal
UCSD
SDSU
UCLA
SLO
CSULB
UCSB

Wishes, hopes, and dreams.

Dear me,
Stay focused. Keep your eyes ahead of you and be prepared. Don't falter and trip; Keep moving forward. With confidence. With strength. With conviction. Don't give up. If you really wanted to give up, you would have done so earlier. You've exerted so much effort; Soon you'll see the fruits of your labor.
Keep working.
-Kristen.

So I like to talk to myself. I have to encourage myself to stay on task since there's no one coaching me to do better.

Hiking hurts

My legs and my ass hurt. Hiking hurts.
It was fun though~
So damn tired.
Nevertheless. I had fun even though we got lost on the way there and I might have sprained my ankle.
STILL FUN.

Let Me Go

Let me go.
Go to sleep.
Forever and
Ever, and
Ever.
Let me go.
Go to the medicine cabinet.
Swallow the pills.
One.
Two.
Three.
All of them.
Like skittles.
They'll be gone in a flash.
Like my existence.
Let me go.
Go to my bed.
Six
Feet
Under

I'm exhausted.

Pet Peeve #3

When people eat obnoxiously.
Or cough without covering their mouth.
Or just lack basic table manners.

Seriously, I don't want to see all that. -__-

WHY

I'm so mad and depressed that I can't even think of a way to creatively express my feelings.
JUST
SO
FUCKING
PISSED.
I DON'T
FUCKING
UNDERSTAND
WHY.
WHY.
WHY.

WHY AM I SUCH A FUCK UP.
WHY DO I EVEN LIVE.
WHY DON'T I JUST GO DIE NOW.
WHY SHOULD YOU CARE.
WHY SHOULD I CARE.

Pet Peeve #2

Teaching someone by writing examples on a notebook and ripping it out for said person to keep, then realizing that on one of the sides of the notebook contains parts of the notes that is needed.

-_____- fuck me. ugh.

To the mall, again

Out with Natalie to the library so I could teach her chem. Went to Curry House to eat, then watched Gangster Squad. Pretty good~
Then went out with Tiff to the mall.
Again.
The FOURTH time this break.
What am I doing with my life.
I need to stop spending money.

Today was fun though. Hanging on to my social life <3

One month anniversary

A happy day <3

Talked to him online and I went to go pick him up at like 12. Went to Santa Anita Mall so he could shop because I already went to the mall twice before him. Then we went to eat KBBQ and then I told Tiff and she got mad, so I went to her house to give her an ice cream cone ): Her dog attacked me.. Then we went to Fluff Ice and we just sat around doing nothing. Ended our day by going to 88 steps and just sitting and talking and having fun. <3 Then I had to go home.
Today was a good day. One month anniversary. I'm happy <3

I just want to go away.

I get so tired of being chosen over.
Walking past me like I'm invisible?
Pretending that I don't exist?
Looking over me because you don't want me in your sight?
Talking to someone else so that person could be the middleman between you and me?

Fine.
It's always been like this anyways. When have you ever looked at me and actually LOOKED at me? When have you actually cared? You say you have, but you've never exactly shown it. Every glance you give me is just a cold hard glare. You've never cared. You technically never even raised me. Grandma did. You even said so yourself..
You know what you taught me though?
How to be independent. How to keep emotions in. How to deal with everything and tolerate how cruel life can be. How to keep my expectations low. How to deal with being your last priority.

Every time I hear you talk to her, I start to die inside because you've never used that generous tone to me.

I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I just want to go away.
Go away and never come back. I'm just so tired of being last. So tired.

Who needs me anyways?

Sometimes I feel like I should purposely fuck up just to get your attention.
Straight Fs and you still wouldn't care. Why would you need to? You have her. My existence is pointless. You don't need me. I'm just a waste of your time. You wouldn't be able to withstand a second glance at me. You act as if everything I do is the bane of your existence. Why should I have to work hard anyways. I can just die after high school; I'm not going to go far in college. That way, you don't have to pay for my college education. You don't even have to remember me because I'll be dead. Who needs me anyways? You wouldn't support me if your life depended on it. All your time, your efforts, your money go to her. When have you cared about what I do? The volunteer events that I go to are towards my future, but you've never heard of that before me because she never went to any. The things I do different are shot down and they just crumble beneath your judgmental gaze. What can I do right? What can I possibly do to make you happy? Why should I keep trying? Where are the "fruits" of my hard work? They don't exist.
I'm so tired of trying to get your approval. You don't care about me anyways. I'm nothing in your eyes.

Fuck it.
I don't hate her. I just hate the comparison. The difference in affection. I hate that.

Opps.

Yesterday; March 16, 2013
Out with Davin to the mall. Then out to eat with the trumpet section at alondra's
Mhm <3

Today.
Gordon <3
And Kelly came home! I had no idea she still existed.
Opps, hehe

I'm just so exhausted.

The moment I get home tomorrow, I'm going to shower and then sleep. Screw eating or seeing friends or hanging out. I want to sleep. I need my sleep. I'm so fucking tired.
I'll see my friends afterwards.
Maybe.. I still have homework.
Why does my life revolve around school?
My eyes aren't even fully open; How the fuck am I going to keep studying?
I just want to sleep and never wake up...
I'm just so exhausted. The choices I made are just fucking me over right now.

Pet Peeve #1

Pet Peeve #1 (no specific order)
People that don't respond when you're in need of assistance.

I'm asking some friends about what they think about a homework assignment so I could get a subjective view on what I should do. BUT NOPE. NO ONE WANTS TO TALK TO ME. Now I'm just going to blindly write my article and write all kinds of BS because I don't know what I'm doing.

WONDERFUL.
AB-SO-FREAKING-LUTE-LY WONDERFUL.

I hate school.

APUSH
-Timeline project
-Cold War article
-Ch 40 notes
-Ch 39/40 study

Trig
-Ch 3 Test
-Ch review

APChem
-Forces
-Gas Laws

APPhysics
-Nuclear
-Modern

Lang
-The Great Gatsby

Band
-Festival

I hate school. Just thinking about it makes me sad.
I have to push through. Finish this and soon it'll be the weekend and spring break.

Three more days.
I can make it.

You suck, tiff.

STOP MAKING FUN OF ME.

What are you thinking about?

He asked me what I was thinking about.
I couldn't. Too many thoughts ran through my head. I was happy. I was excited. I was tired. I was embarrassed. I was lost. I was...
in love.
He looked me in the eye and asked me again, "What are you thinking about?"
I looked him back in the eye and didn't say anything. I just buried my face in his chest and held him tightly.
He nudged me again and I looked up at him. I didn't want to say it.
I told him that it was too deep for him.
He made me anyways, so I said, "How much I love you."

The knowing smile flashed back and he held me closer. That was the root of my happiness, just being with him.

The best kind of friendship.

Went out with a friend that I haven't seen in a long time. We caught up and spoke about our love lives and just had fun. I haven't talked with her in the longest time; it just made me miss her that much more. I'm so happy that we've been able to keep in contact because she really is one of my best friends that I don't talk to that often.
I just miss talking to my friends. I look back and I just wonder when the last time we talked and it just seems like it's been the longest time ever. But we always manage to come back together and talk like we've never been separated. The best kind of friendship.

I just told her everything. My break up with a douche face and my new relationship with someone better and the things we did. Same for her and it just felt like we never stopped talking. The openness and laughs never ended. We just picked up from when we last left off.
Haven't been this happy from someone that's not my boyfriend in a long-ish time. <3